Friday, January 7, 2011

Illness and Trust Issues.


For the past two days I've been SICK.  Wednesday night I threw up more times than I could count and barely slept.  Yesterday I was in bed all day sipping ginger ale and water and sleeping on and off.  I didn't have the energy to read a magazine.  Watching Glee with Michael sounded like hard work to me.  I got up a few times to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, but I was totally down for the count.

Today I am a little better.  In a few minutes I'm going to try and eat some toast.

I am the fourth person in our family to experience this illness.

I wish I had been more merciful when Michael was sick.  I tend to get sort of irritated when he gets ill.  I don't like that about myself.  It's something I need to work on.  I WANT to be nurturing and take care of him.  I think I sort of resent the fact that he doesn't feel guilty.  I feel guilty when I'm sick - like I really should just suck it up and get on with life.  It's tough to convince myself that taking care of ME is the best possible thing I can do.

Michael stayed home from work yesterday so I could rest and the kids mostly watched TV.  He took them to the McDonalds playground for a few hours in the evening.  They came back GLOWING.  Maeryn ran upstairs to tell me how much fun she'd had.  It made my heart warm to know they'd had such a great time.

I found myself talking to my mom on the phone twice yesterday.

I don't think it matters how old you get - Mom's voice remains the greatest comfort a person can experience.  I am thankful to have her around and willing to talk to me about nonsense on the phone for thirty minute stretched when I feel lonely.

Today I had a disappointment.

I am ecstatic to be feeling better, and I was looking forward to helping Jonah with his audition for Encore Kids!, a local theatre troupe for kids ages 6 - 12.  He really enjoyed the last play in which he participated at our church, and he expressed a lot of excited interest when I asked him if he'd like to audition for this troupe.  The audition is tomorrow, and today he told me he didn't think he wanted to audition anymore.  He was very nervous.  He even started to cry and said he really didn't want to do it.  He said he wanted to, but was so nervous and too afraid.

I was really saddened by this, but I told him that if he didn't want to do it, he did NOT have to do it and that he could just forget about it.  He was relieved.

It was hard for me to let it go.

Michael and I are both theatre people and I know he loves it once he gets past the audition.  It's hard to know when to push and when to let things drop.  He was so nervous - there was way too much anxiety tied to this thing - it needed to be dropped, though I'm still a little disappointed.

Spring for Jonah holds more swim team and (if we can afford it) gymnastics classes (he took them awhile and then had a hiatus, and he's said he wants to go back now).  Last night he requested a guitar lesson, which he hasn't had for quite sometime, but last night he was ready again and had SO much fun with Michael working on strumming patterns and simple chords.

I'm realizing slowly that Jonah has a lot of trauma from his years at school and daycare.  It's going to take some time to get through all of that.

There have been a lot of positive changes so far, but we still take several steps back at times and he has angry days and sad days and has trust issues regularly.  Michael and I are trying to be as understanding as we can, and give as many hugs as we can, and be as consistent as we can in trusting HIM.  Still learning these unschooling ropes over here.  Still building better relationships.  Always learning and trusting a little bit more.

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