.parenting.

Today has been one of those days where I really just want to lock myself in the bathroom and not come out for about twelve hours.

We have had tantrums and fighting and screaming and refusing to wear diapers and disrespect and lying and hurting one another physically and kicking and just about everything else under the sun.  We have had discussions and sorries and time outs and yes, even a spanking, which of course did nothing but exasperate the situation, but I was very much desperate, so I figured I'd give it a whirl.  Yeah, didn't work.

Michael came home to help me not kill our children over lunch and I talked to my mom on the phone and had a good cry and she assured me that I wasn't a bad mom and every mom has these days.

I did feel like a failure.

I'm so tired.  Exhausted even.

Last night Maeryn woke up at ten.  She wanted to sleep in our room and watch Monster Trucks on the computer and Michael didn't want her invading our space and I didn't care because I just wanted it to end and there was all this tension and mess and stress.  No one got much sleep, so of course today has been tough.

We're also on a new schedule with swimming lessons and the kids spent last weekend with their grandparents and I'm PMSing and there are no potato chips or chocolate in the house except one Clif bar...which I just ate.

I was excited to see my Parents magazine in the mailbox.  I love getting magazines and I thought that in my fifteen minutes of quiet while Jonah was playing in his room and Maeryn was finally sleeping (sans diaper, I found out after I went to check on her - whatever, they're her sheets...) I would peruse my magazine.

I admit that Parents has been a real turn off lately.  Their stuff just doesn't work for my kids.  There are usually a lot of fun ideas for recipes and junk like that - but I've stopped subscribing, these are just the issues I've left over.

This issue was no exception.

It just made me stressed out reading it.

You know what else made me stressed this week?  The unschooling forum I found.  I had been so excited about it, but when I asked a question about nap time they treated me like a criminal, or a lost puppy when I explained what we'd been doing - then proceeded to give me advice that would never EVER work with my daughter.

I read parenting books.

I research stuff like a crazy person.

But today I came to the conclusion that everything that people put out there about parenting is mostly marketing.  Or their own experiences.

The fact is - I am more experienced with MY kids than anyone else on the planet.  I've been with them since they were CONCEIVED.  No book person or forum writer or magazine knows them better.  The thing is - the media makes it so we moms and dads (okay, especially moms) think we don't know what's best for our own children.  We think that we need to adhere to this or that practice or fit into this or that box.  The fact is, we should be making our own boxes.

No family dynamic is like our own.  No kids need what our kids need (aside from obvious needs like food and shelter and clothing).  Families are different and kids are different and what works for family A - Z probably won't really work for mine.

Are there nuggets of truth out there?

Sure there are.

But I don't think I'll be researching and reading so much for awhile.  I need time to de-tox from all that BS and focus on what our family means and their actual needs - not those perceived by the media.