Trust.

Jonah doesn't trust us.

I know it sounds strange.  He's six years old.  What's not to trust?

For him, it's a lot.

We told him there was a Santa Claus - and that was a lie.

We told him that he would have a ton of playdates once we started homeschooling - and even though we've tried our darndest, it turned out to be a lie too.  We don't have contact info for all of his friends from his old school and I've had the toughest time finding other friends for him to play with whose parents don't think I'm a total weirdo when I ask if their kids want to come over after meeting them just a few times at swim team or the playground. 

I'm not sure how to handle that.

I've let him sleep in when he said he wanted to be up for breakfast (because he went to sleep at 3AM!) and he's been upset because I told him I would wake him for breakfast, and then I let him sleep.  Last night he was up all night playing Cyberchase games on the computer, but I am still going to wake him at 9:30 and tell him if he wants breakfast, now's the time.

I'm not sure how to regain the trust we've lost.

I'm sure that there are other things.  He was dragged around a lot in his very young years when Michael and I were still teaching in the public school system and spending ridiculous hours at the school.  I'm sure the poor guy has faced a lot of broken promises in his life - ones I don't remember - things that seemed right at the time but probably weren't in his eyes. 

When he left daycare we said we would keep in touch with his friends from there.  We tried, but eventually the other kids lost interest - they forgot about Jonah and weren't interested in playdates anymore.  Or their parents lost interest and stopped returning our calls and emails.  Or they decided they didn't like us.  Or they got busy.  Or SOMETHING.  Either way we weren't able to make good on that promise.  He still talks about his best friends from age TWO.  I'm not sure they would even know who he was if they saw him somewhere around town.  We made an effort for about a year to continue getting them together, but eventually their mom stopped returning my emails, and I took that as a cue to lay off the playdate requests.  They were a busy family with three teenagers on top of their twin toddlers, so it was probably not in their best interest to focus on the youngest when it came to social life.  I don't know, and probably never will.

But what to do now?

Here we are. 

My son needs friends.

I know, I know, many of you will say "send him back to school" - but that's not what we want.  It's not what we're going to do.

I may want that when I'm having a nervous breakdown or have had a super tough day - but it's not what I want.  Not really.  And it isn't what he wants either.  He wants to have friends that come over to play or meet him at the playground.  Not friends he can't talk to during the school day or that he gets disciplined for joking around with during line time.  He wants camp and playground and playdate and FUN friendship.  And that's what I want for him too.

I know I need to get more connected into more homeschool communities.  It's tough.  I'm scared to put myself out there.  I know I need to do it for my son - and I WILL, but it is HARD for me.  And, I admit, I'm afraid about how Jonah will act.  What he will say or do. 

I feel so sorry for him.  There is so much guilt tied up around that kid.  I need to get over it and start fresh for his sake.  Start fresh EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I need to keep my promises and I need to focus on rebuilding any trust that has been torn down by unfortunately circumstances or poor choices on my part. 

I'm sorry this blog hasn't been all that positive lately.  We're working through a lot of junk over here.  It's not so easy trying on a new paradigm, and parenting in general is hard.  I don't think anybody will dispute that one.