Friday, February 17, 2012

"Compare where you are to where you wanna be and you'll get...


These are lyrics from Sara Bareilles's Uncharted.  It's one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite albums of all time: 

The lyrics have really hit home for me lately.

When it comes to the bus, things are looking up.

Michael's boss is willing to move forward in spite of the threats that if things go awry she will be held wholly responsible, and we're moving up the chain of command (literally) to get approval from more people.

Michael put together a complete itinerary for his employers to look at, made notes, explained when he could fly back to Maryland and from where, and color coded everything.

I think it's over-the-top, but it might be necessary for us to be able to get what we want.

We haven't been able to work on the bus in months.  We're both involved in a show at the local theatre.  I'm regretting it at present.  Usually after we open all those misgivings float away and I'm glad I went through all the hell that goes into making a great show - but this time, we're both so involved and we keep missing each other, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get over that, and the guilt that goes with it, to see the great show on the other side.

But aside from the show and the bus and Michael's job...I've been struggling with...stuff.

Where I want to be seems so far from where I am - and I'm not talking about getting in the bus and heading out to California to wrap my arms around a redwood...  I'm talking about mentally.  Physically.  Spiritually.  The way I am with my kids.  The way I keep my house.  The way I pray and read the Bible and study The Word.  The way I maintain friendships and find new ones.  My writing...

Right now I'm drained.

I haven't been doing anything to keep in shape to speak of for about a year.  I've stopped running regularly.  There just isn't time.  We don't hike as a family.  There isn't time.  I do the occasional walk to the mailbox.  I eat relatively well.  I'm not gaining weight - but I'm not getting anywhere either, and my energy levels are insanely low.

I get enough sleep.

But without the exercise to keep my body fit, sticking it out energy-wise with my kids is out of the question.  By 4PM I'm tanked.  I need green tea to revive.  After dinner I get a little energy boost but if I'm not a rehearsal, at around 6:30 I'm sapped again.  My mom-ness just doesn't hold out.  I end up sitting on facebook or blogging like I am now or doing something else that's even less productive - like sitting around and staring into space or skimming Pinterest.  I feel totally hypocritical as I post to other moms about how to get their kids outside or fun things to do to encourage their interests.  It's sometimes all I can do to drive my daughter to dance class without falling asleep at the wheel.

On top of that, my play energy is just not where I wish it was.

I wish I loved playing.

I wish I wanted to play all day!

It seems like it should be fun as heck to play with stuffed animals and dolls and play house and Star Wars and paint with fingerpaints and bake cookies and run around outside for hours... so why don't I do it?  Why do I refuse, make excuses, come up with more sedate activities?  Why do I do that when what I want is an active family with a big imagination.

I ponder this and I pray about it and I decide to do better...and then...the next day... I make all those same excuses again.

I think about the Apostle Paul talking about how he keeps doing the things he doesn't want to do.  I feel like that on a daily basis.

I want to get out of this rat hole I've shut myself into.

I want to do the flipping dishes once in awhile.

I want to keep up with my three-year-old.

I want to make awesome memories with my children.

People around me look at me like I'm this amazing mom - and that makes it all feel that much worse.  Because I know where I am...and I know where I want to be...and I see this gaping hole in between - and no bridge to cross it.

I'm looking forward to this show closing.

Theatre is good for our family in that it forces us to cut out everything else.  This means that each time we come off of a show, we get to choose which things we allow back into our lives, and which new things we add, and what we cut out or give a rest or take away.

This time I want to be more careful.

I started attending a writing group a few weeks ago.  It fed my soul in ways I cannot describe to those of you who are not writers.

Today a few of us met again at a coffeeshop.

I should have been at my studio, putting in my required number of hours and churning out artistic product for potential clients...but I didn't go.  I spent my entire afternoon at the coffeeshop talking with the other writers.  I don't regret it in the least.

I left feeling human.

Those times, for me, are often few and far between.

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