Thursday, October 4, 2012

My Blog is Officially Depressing.

If I were one of my children, I would probably see today as a very good day.

We got up early, watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, played Harry Potter LEGO on the Wii (years 5 - 7), walked to the store, baked cupcakes together, made macaroni art, and got a package in the mail.

For me it was a different sort of day.

I felt on edge.  Stressed out.

The tea bag in that tea cup in the picture is Kava.  Promoting stress relief and relaxation.

I have felt all day like I am obligated to too many things.  I have lines to memorize and a presidential vote to decide on and a run I'd like to take, but probably won't be able to.  I planned a too-elaborate dinner for a busy evening.  I have to drive to places I'm not sure I'd like to go.  The crumbs under the table seem never ending and I am so. tired.  Full-on seems like an easy way to describe my spirited, physical, sensitive, highly intelligent children. 

Of course today is also a day when I have seen post after post on facebook about how sad I'll be when my kids are grown and I don't have enough pictures with me in them with my children or how I'll feel like I've lost a limb when I don't have kids to taxi from activity to activity. 

I am sure those things are true.

But I guess, for me, where I am right now, the guilt of the future is too much to bear in the right now. 

I'm trying hard.

I'm doing my best.

I have enough guilt about the load of laundry that still needs folding and the crumbs under the table and the dishes piled on the counter to dwell on the time when my children will be gone and I will wish for those things.  Today - I really just need a nap.  And to feel a little less like a total failure as a parent.


Cheryl said...

I sure hope you're feeling a bit better. It may take some serious time. I have been feeling just like you describe. I have decided to de-clutter our house (we are already seriously on our way to a life of minimalism but more stuff can go/is going).

Getting rid of Facebook is a MAJOR decision that I'm actually psyched about. As soon as I get my pics downloaded, I'm outta there (no matter how much my mom protests...the way I see it, if she truly understood how unhappy it makes me, she's be all for it).

And some of my obligations I am trying to make more manageable. For instance, I am the "Fundraising Director" (ugh) at Julian's Parent Participation Nursery School. I was just about to quit then lighting struck my brain: Fundraising Committee. We just had our first meeting and I feel better about it already.

I am thinking of leaving my Toastmasters group and I have put myself on a "volunteering freeze" effective NOW.

Just know you're not alone.

Missy said...

Thanks so much, Cheryl.

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