Michael is out tonight finishing up a sound and projection screen install at a local church. When he receives his paycheck for this job, we will have enough to buy the bus - not enough to outfit the bus, but enough to get our shell so we can get started ripping out seats and working toward a livable interior. Thinking about it as reality is pretty insane. Every day I get a little more excited, and every day, at the same time, I cling a little tighter to the walls of our current abode.
This was supposed to be our forever house. When we bought it, we were so happy with the layout, the neighborhood, the "within walking distance" closeness of everything we could possibly need... I still love all of those things. I love the neighborhood and the abundance of children in it. Our neighbors who are mostly wonderful folks who look out for our kids and lend us yard tools and trade seeds and plants with us. I love the familiarity. It's really the first place I've felt like our family has been a family and our home has been a HOME.
Before this, there was no Maeryn and I was still working full time.
We've "grown up" and figured out the family thing under this roof.
The heights of my kids are etched in pencil on the wall between the kitchen and living room.
The table is spattered with paints and glitter.
The sunlight hits the kitchen just so in the fall and spring.
I love the colors of the walls, the crackle of the downstairs fireplace, the soft blue hue of the living room - the way the windows let sound in, but not out, so you never feel really alone, but you have your solitude.
These are the things I will leave behind.
Mornings with a cup of tea, steam streaming into my face, morning cresting over the arched windows...
It is something we need.
God said "Sell the house" a year ago when I wondered how to deal with our mountain of debt.
I balked and clutched more tightly to this place, nested further into it, built more memories onto it.
There is MORE out there for this family.
I worry about Jonah leaving his friends. I worry about Maeryn leaving her familiar place - the place she came after she was born - her only "home". I worry about me - where will I put all of my artwork?!
I'm terrified about this journey on the road.
But family is about more than a house.
In fact - I think a house is optional. Family is about being together. I think the four of us will learn more about family on this journey than we could ever possibly learn stuck in Southern Maryland.
I suppose the bus and all things surrounding the bus will be frequent topics here from now on. I suppose that's natural. It's what we're doing. It's what's on my mind.
That and Jonah.
We began herbal tea asthma regimen two days ago. I will keep you updated.
I have given up haircuts for Lent. I am already a little bitter about it - but I won't give up. It's another thing I know I need to do. I try not to question as much as I want to anymore.
We came into this season of the liturgical year with thought and promise. I always want it to be deep and spiritual, but sometimes it's laundry and vacuuming and delivered pizza and missing Michael while he does an odd job and Dragon Tales on Netflix streaming. I think that's what life is about. That ebb and flow. That richness and poverty. Thoughtful daydreams and living in the moment. Happiness and sad.
I can't imagine what the next year will bring, and (progress!) I think I've stopped trying.