In Which We Don't Go to the Gila Cliff Dwellings

The Cliff Dwellings.  You know the ones.  The ones you read about in your social studies textbook in seventh grade and you don't ever think you'd see something like that in real life...

That's where we were planning on going today.

The drive was almost two hours - down the road with the "pinwheels" and up a mountain of insane switchbacks and cliffs (with no dwellings) leading down a couple thousand foot drop.  No guardrails.

We were running late.  The park closed at five and we were just leaving the bus around two.  Michael was driving a little crazy.  My knuckles were white on the grab bar above my head... but I tried not to show my fear... too much.  I'm still here writing this after all, right?

Once we arrived at the park the rangers told us we were the last group they were allowing to hike to the dwellings.  We were relieved at our luck.  We started over the bridge to the trail... and then Jonah got sick.  So sick...we had to go back home. 

I tried not to be too bummed as the ranger radioed to the top of the trail that our "group of four" wouldn't be arriving and told them to go ahead and shut things down up there. 

It was the beginning of another long bout of sickness.  Especially for Maeryn, who was down with a bug for weeks and we ended up visiting another local urgent care, meeting her awesome doctor Isaac, and getting all sorts of tests run to make sure we didn't all have parasites (we don't).

On the way down the mountain we stopped once to check out the view:

And we stopped here to check the GPS and make sure we weren't lost beyond repair:

 

I made Michael take a picture of the sign.  Too awesome.

We stopped at Sonic on the way back. I got onion rings.  They were good.

Jonah woke up that night puking, but in the morning he seemed better.

A few nights later, after another round of Sonic, I was in the bathroom puking too.  All. night. long.

And Maeryn...  she was sick for so long I started having nightmares she would never get better.  And asking friends from home to pray.   And telling my mom I was scared.  

At the same time one of my best friends was being evicted from her apartment.  She needed help.  And I was so. far. away.  

I felt so helpless.  So angry.  

Eventually things did turn around.

Maeryn started to get well.

My friend got the help she needed.

And I felt the calm wash over me. 

And remembered that God is there.  

Even when I'm thousands of miles from the people I know.

Even if I don't get to go to the cliff dwellings.

Solitary Reflection

We've been in Rye, NH for the past several days.

We planned on staying with our friends here for three or four days.  It's day seven now.  I am trying not to feel like we're overstaying our welcome.  I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I had no idea what community really looked like until now.  I'm trying to deal with knowing that it's out there just waiting for us to find it, really find it, and that it can work and that people can help each other and do these things and that it's real. 

It's real.

I ran five miles this morning.  Timed long run.  It took me sixty minutes which is faster than I've ever done on a long run before.  I haven't been doing as much running as I should: story of my life.  It was easy to run and run and run along the coast of New Hampshire like this.  The sidewalk stumbles and thwarts itself along the chocolate brown of the rocky shore.  I dodged surfers and cyclists and other runners and old people walking holding hands. 

I got lost in thoughts about friendship and values and my own paradigms about Christianity and lack of Christianity and what that means.  I wanted to hug everyone and hide by myself at once. 

I've been reading a lot while we've been parked here.

The Bible.  I'm doing a study on Jesus based around the Book of Luke and written by Beth Moore.  I like her.  She teaches me stuff I didn't know before.

Women who run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  Talk about paradigm shifting.  It's like I've been walking a path toward this book my whole life and I'm finally jumping into it.  It feels like jumping, anyway.  Wind rushing past my ears.  Terrifying but oh so right.  

I had a conversation over the phone a few days ago with a close friend who told me that she doesn't call herself a Christian anymore.  I needed to mull that over.  That she doesn't believe in afterlife as we were taught about it in Sunday School.  That she sees most religions as genuine seeking of The Divine and the Truth and Christianity is an equal path and my upbringing rails against that and my logical mind wraps around it and cradles it and forces me to think about it.  And I download the Wheel of the Year and compare it to all the Christian festivals and I wonder about God's Bigness.  And how His Design encompasses so many things.  The Life Death Life cycle that already exists in the world manifests in Christ and tells a story we already knew before we heard it for the first time...

If you're not following me, it's okay, I'm not even sure I'm following myself.

Sometimes you have to run until sweat pours out of every orifice and you can't breathe and you can't swallow and everything burns below your waist and you run until your brain stops spilling out everywhere and becomes contained.  You have to run so you can start again.  Run until you regain your sanity. 

And then you have to re-assess what your sanity really is.

Maeryn's Baptism

My daughter is amazing and beautiful in every way.  I was so privileged to be a part  of this incredible day.  I realize now we have zero pictures of all of the people who came.  It was just... perfect.  So, even though you are not pictured, to Deborah, Brian, Shelley, Chris, Diane, Russ, Kate, Mick, Hanni, Terri, Sophie, Bruce, and Dawn - thank you for your presence (not to mention Pastor John, who is totally pictured).   Thank you for the lovely gifts and cards to Maeryn.  Thank you for all of your support in her life so far.  Thank you.

Prayer before.

Out into the water.

John asked her if she wanted to say anything.  Maeryn was shy.

I have been contemplating my baptism for years, and a couple of weeks ago, John offered to give me the opportunity to be baptized at Maeryn's event.  I was baptized as an infant, but have no memory of it, of course, and feel strongly that this was an experience I needed to have.  It was the perfect time, since we are preparing to leave on this journey on Saturday.  It was a marker for my life.  So necessary.  Something about my faith is more complete.

There was so much muck at the bottom of the river I had to take off my flip flops.

I threw them to the crowd.

I didn't realize how happy I was.

The moment.

Refreshed and fulfilled.  Ready for the journey.

Laughing with John was we try to get ourselves out of the muck.

Maeryn hanging out at the potluck picnic following her baptism.  Holding her lion from our friend Hanni.

Words can't express my gratitude to our friends, family, pastor, and Creator for this special day.

Dealing with Envy.

It was only a few months ago that I made a comment about how I didn't understand why people were jealous of one another:  "Why can't they be happy for another person's good fortune or gift?" 

And then I was faced head on by the Green Eyed Monster, and I'm not sure I'm coping with her all that well.

I read a blog entry by a friend and fellow homeschooler about how they had just got an RV, and they were now leaving in it to tour the country. 

I felt...  slapped in the face.

Why was it so easy for them?

It seemed one day they were thinking about getting an RV and the next day they had one and the next day they were posting pictures from Utah.

I felt my throat close and my chest grow tight. 

I was angry.

I was so. jealous.

I couldn't even read the entire blog post about the fun they were having and the things they were learning.

It wasn't fair.  That was supposed to be OUR trip.

And then I understood, fully, what it meant to feel envious of someone.  I felt like my trip had been stolen from me.  Like our lives had been taken by another family who just made this decision on a whim.

And I still feel that way.

I pray for the strength to get over this bump in the road and shun the Monster for what she is: an ugly thing with no place in my life.  I long to be happy for this family of homeschooling Christians.

There is no reason any of us deserves anything.

All by the grace of God.  He gives.  He takes away.

Square One.

We have a bus with bedrooms, a stove, a fridge, a toilet, and an awesome paint scheme.

We have our campground all picked out to wait out the next few months.

The bank accepted the buyer's offer on the house.

We are working toward financial independence apart from "the system".

But...



The bank will not be accepting our hardship.  Which means that...  we're back to square one.

Our house is not sold.  The bus is still parked at a friend's house (who will be selling soon, and we'll have to find another parking space).  We don't have a job...

I don't understand.

Why?

I don't...

Ugh.

I'm so frustrated.

I've been trying to get myself together for leaving.

I've quit everything.  Theatre, teaching, worship band...  We've been packing.  We've been selling stuff.  We've told everyone that we're going to leave and everyone keeps asking about our departure date and the fact is?  There isn't one.  There isn't one.

We want to leave.  We want to leave more than anything and we can't.  leave.

People say that there's no such thing as being trapped.  Really?  There isn't?  Then why aren't we in Maine right now fishing for lobster?  Why is my husband's job telling him he can't work from the road?  Why does he keep getting rejected by every other employer to which he applies?

Why have I been preparing my kids to leave their friends and activities if we aren't even leaving?

And what do I do?

How do I maintain this state of limbo?  How?

I drive the kids to swimming lessons and dance lessons and gymnastics and scouts and I try to make our home still feel like home even though things are packed in boxes and the bus feels a zillion times more like home than this townhouse that feels like a cage to me.

Do I sign them up for lessons in the fall?  Do we take Jonah to swim team try-outs and do all those things?  Maeryn wants to try preschool.  And sign-ups are right. now.  So what the heck do I do about that?

And about plans?  People asking when we'll leave and where we'll be and when we'll see them and everything just keeps getting pushed back...

I want to throw up my hands and say "forget it."  Let's just go back to being normal people with normal lives and pretend this bus thing never happened.

I feel like an imposter.  

My cast from the last show I directed got us a national parks membership pass for all the parks in the U.S.  For our trip.  There are three people planning going away parties.  For our trip.

And we're stuck at square one.

I thought God said "Sell the house."  Well...we're trying!  We're down here trying to sell this house!  So now I guess we put it up for rent?  Play that game?  And the time on my kids' childhood keeps ticking away.  And the time we can park the bus at this house keeps ticking away.  And my patience wears thinner and I feel more and more like I don't have a message from God: I'm just insane.

Launching our Souls.

Tonight we launch our website, Patchwork Veracity, into the world.  I'm excited, because I think it's something that has benefits for every artist out there. I'm nervous, because of the money.  Nervous because even though I know how many hours of sweat went into each and every letter and image, I know that people want everything to be free.  Nervous that other people won't appreciate it.  Nervous that it will fail.

Isn't that the root of all our big fears?  Failure?

I guess I could say that if it weren't for the other things happening around my life right now.

I say around, because this thing is not happening to me or my family, but to another radically unschooling family I have had the privilege of getting to know in the last two years.

The Fisher family recently suffered the tragic loss of their little boy, Elijah Rainbow.

The loss of a baby just...  it chills me to the bone.  It sends shivers all down my spine.  It is a thing I cannot fathom.

Not just losing a baby... but losing a child.

This is the second of such losses that has touched me this year.

Brogan, a young boy who was a part of our local church family, passed away earlier this year: cancer.

There is nothing like the loss of a child to change your perspective on everything.

To send you reeling on a guilt trip about how much time you've spent in the last two days staring hard at the computer screen trying to sell something that you're scared no one will want to buy.  How do you ever know?  How can you ever predict the things that can happen in this world?

I feel this trepidation about launching my website out into the world - but the fact is, if it flops... if it's a huge tremendous, laughable failure, my soul is still intact.  Still here.  Still with this earthly family...  And those little boys' souls...  they've launched in an entirely other way.

Dear, Sweet, Brogan and Elijah, may  your days and nights be filled with unfathomable joy and peace and endless...ENDLESS play and undivided attention from The One who has the energy to ALWAYS give.

Health and Bus-ness.

I am learning through this whole unschooling thing that there are a whole lot of things I have un-learned.  Things I used to do instinctively that I simply don't do anymore.

For the past few days, we've had the January Ick in our house.  You know the stuff - the nasty sniffles, the mild sore throat, the sinus head-ache, the achy tiredness, the general blah feeling of the January Ick...  It started with Jonah, moved on to Michael, and is now affecting the entire household. 

The thing is - those of us who are older seem less apt to take care of ourselves than the younger.  Maeryn, especially, is a great example to those of us who tend to deny that we are sick, over-do things in spite of our illness, eat junk, etc. 

For the past two days, she's been watching movies under a fleece blanket on the couch and slamming down OJ by the bucket.  She, of course, is mostly recovered.  The rest of us are in the grouchy stage. 

Today I tried.  I made myself tea and drank it while it was hot and took vitamin C and then... well...then I ran the vacuum to pick up the popcorn crumbs from yesterday and loaded the dishwasher and now I'm blogging... 

Point is, we can all take a lesson from Maeryn when we're sick.  If we want to recover quickly, we'd better give our bodies the things they need most: rest and good nutrition.  Stop trying to be super-human and take. a. break.

In other news, and speaking of probably over-doing things... Michael and I mapped out the bus route last night.

We're extending our trip over a year to try and get in all of the things we want to do and see.  We begin right here in Maryland and end in Michigan after touring most of the U.S.  It's so exciting I'm pretty sure it's just a dream, so I'm trying not to hope too hard that everything will go as planned.  Things like this NEVER go as planned. 

As for the rest of the bus... things are going slowly.  Illness and travels to visit friends and family have kept us out of the bus.  We're still at the same place we were a month ago as far as actual, physical labor.  Michael, however, has kept working with a steady hand at placement of electrics and other assorted facets that can be worked out mentally and on paper. 

It's our prayer to leave our current residence in June 2012.  We have the "best laid plans", but we are totally dependent on God, who has the ultimate control.

In the meantime, if you know anyone who might want to buy a nice townhouse in Southern Maryland, let me know!

Christmas Festivities 2011

As I was driving home from the Christmas Eve service around midnight, I was overwhelmed by the sacredness on the outside.

It wasn't that there was anything wrong with the service in the church building.  Quite the contrary.  It was nice to see friends, to participate in the readings, to sing the hymns I grew up with during the Christmas seasons of my childhood - but it was the stillness.  It was the dark sky and the non-existent traffic and the flicker of the streetlights that spoke to me of The Divine in the most real way this Christmas Night.

It is sometimes nice to be alone.

Sacred solitude.  The feeling of YHWH in the stillness.  My thoughts turn to the Dawn of Creation.  Everything is beautiful.

Christmas Day was brought early by Jonah, who is our excited, excitable, sensitive, wonder.  He dragged us all out of bed with some protest, and he and Michael set up the train to run around the bottom of the Christmas tree.

We let Maeryn sleep in significantly longer than the rest of us.

We opened gifts.

We played out the story of the First Christmas, each of us acting out several parts while Michael read the story (he jumped in at one point as a part of the Heavenly Armies).  I played Mary, a shepherd, and the donkey.  Maeryn played Mary, a shepherd, and Gabriel.  Jonah played the angel who spoke to the shepherds and Joseph.  Maeryn's stuffed blue bunny played the Holy Child.

Michael and I baked vegan cinnamon rolls.  They were heavenly.  We all feasted.  We ordered Chinese food for dinner.  We watched The Secret of Kells.  We looked up the actual Book of Kells.  We lounged around the house.

The kids played in the bathtub.

Michael played music.

I wrote poetry.

LOVE.

Spreading the Word...

I feel a little guilty.

I seem to be better at sharing about Unschooling than about sharing my faith - or at least about how I feel they intertwine.

Last night I had coffee with another mom.  Her daughter is one of my acting coaching clients and Michael tutors her in pre-calc and chemistry.  She knows we're unschoolers and since her daughter is struggling with school, she was interested in learning more, getting my perspective, etc.

Thought we did talk about faith for a brief minute, it was about an umbrella program that requires Biblical studies, and not as much about our spirits.

It's strange.

I have the same trepidation with sharing both, honestly, with people about whom I am uncertain.

I know all of the anti-unschooling arguments. 

"But don't we have to learn to jump through hoops that we don't like in order to be successful?"

"But what if they don't do anything?"

"If I allow my kid to do what they want all day, they'll just play video games."

Heard 'em.

I'm actually not all that great at articulating a response yet.

It's just something I KNOW.  I need to get better at talking about it.

The funny thing is, I'm much better prepared to share my faith and answer THOSE questions, and yet I end up talking to people MORE about unschooling.

I think it's because people think they know what there is to know about Christianity, but unschooling is new and different.

For me, though, they loop and twine around each other.  They are both lifestyles.  They are both lifestyles that belong to our family.  Freedom has been a lesson for me for the past two years.  Freedom in Christ and what it means about the world around me, about the "system".  About the government and compulsory education and the clothing on my back and the food I eat and the purchases I make...

Everything twines together.  It's about Love.  And thus, it's about YHWH. 

I pray that I will have the courage to share how I see these things twining together in my life, that I can explain I am who I am because of I AM. 

ARGH 2011

The view from the porch of our cabin.

 

A few hours ago, we arrived home from a few precious days in Tennessee at the Fall 2011 Autodidactic Radical Gathering of Homeschoolers. 

It was emotive, inspiring, powerful... and my brain is still buzzing from everything that happened there, and all that I will carry with me now that I am home.

It was empowering, enlightening, and encouraging in so many ways. 

I feel like writing about everything will somehow damage the memories we made there as a family - but without saying too much, I will say that the sense of community was powerful.  The conversations were real.  The love between families and the genuine-ness of their relationships was palpable and vibrant. 

I loved watching the dance floor on the last night with two year olds - grandparents dancing all together... as equals.  I loved bonding with the other unschooly moms and dads and kids.  I loved sharing a potluck meal together.  I loved the hiking and the music and the art and the play. 

I missed Jesus.

I missed what I felt the Church was missing as I sat in community with my new friends from all walks of faith - many of them atheists.  I am so in love with these people.  And they've got things figured out where Christianity, of late, seems to have fallen short. 

I am reminded of Blue Like Jazz where Donald Miller explains that the most community he ever felt was with his hippie friends in the woods who weren't believers. 

It was like that this weekend, and while there was abundant, wonderful, beautiful joy the entire time we were there - there was also an energetic sadness.  I wept for the community so many of my Christian friends long for and the loss we felt as we drove away from the mountain. 

Summits.

I haven't been posting photos.  Not that I haven't been taking them.  I have...they're all there on the camera just waiting for me to hook up the USB cable...

But I'm not sure where it goes in this particular computer...and so my readers suffer  :)  Sorry, guys.

In other news, I am feeling supremely down today.

I went to a small group study this morning.  It was a new study for me and I was invited by a friend who I admire and I had high hopes (and they had free babysitting!).

Instead of having my hopes fulfilled, they were somewhat dashed, as I learned that the study, to me, was heretical.  I did some research while the speaker spoke out of the void of the television and the other women took copious notes and searched their souls...  mine was crying out so loudly it was impossible to ignore it.  I even excused myself and went to the bathroom.  The speaker in this study spouted untruths. 

I called my husband and my other small group leader to be sure that my own heart was in the right place.  I mulled over things and scripture after scripture came into my head to refute what I had heard on the video this morning. 

I finally wrote to the leader of the group.  She hasn't responded yet.  I'm not sure how it will be.  I am certain that this group leader put time and effort into finding just the right study and she may not take my words well.  They may continue in this study and nothing may change (except that I won't be attending the group again).  And it makes my heart sad.

A former student posted this today: 

... and it made my heart sad again.

I didn't respond to the photo he posted on facebook.  He is a sweet young man and I love him tenderly.  I want to hug him and tell him that THIS isn't Christianity.  That this isn't the face of the Man I Serve.  This is hypocrisy.  This is heresy.  And YHWH is also Jesus and Jesus is also Love.

My heart breaks today...for these two things.

I don't know where to turn sometimes and feel as though things are crashing down all around me when it comes to my faith and Christianity in the world.

My newfound Freedom weighs on me as a burden today.  I want to shout it from the roof-tops.  I want to take those Believers who have not received the whole gift of their salvation and shake them until they understand or hold them with tears streaming down my cheeks...there is another way!  You are the Kingdom of God!  Life does not begin after you die - life begins NOW. 

I titled this post "Summits".  I feel like that's where I have been lingering.  Hanging on to the summit of the mountain and waiting.  I spend much of my life in this place - rather than climbing up through blood and sweat or skiing down the other side.  I stand at the top and dance backward and forward and wonder about the things to come in my life. I am confident that the path I am treading is the path I should tread, but sometimes it is lonely and shadowy and sad... and a voice within me says it is not yet time to come down.

Chinese Lanterns, Changing Seasons.

Embracing unschooling has taken my life for such a beautiful turn in so many ways.

Yesterday, Maeryn and I made Chinese Lanterns together.  It's an incredibly easy craft inspired by this game on Nick Jr's website. 

The lanterns are lovely and simple, and I love imagining them filled with light, casting a soft glow on our family and our home.

I love the crispness of the fall air as it descends on our area - the change of the sky, the different angle of light, the black-eyed Susans dancing in the wind.

I'm inspired to be outside, to take long walks, to ditch the fossil fuels and take my bike and the stroller and my own two feet. 

On Tuesday, Jonah decided to come back home. 

We talked about his feelings of stress.  We made a list of pros and cons.  We prayed together.

We talked about how it is we can know what God wants for us, and where we are treading on the path He has laid.

I was inspired by our conversation - it wasn't me talking, but the Spirit through me:

"God has laid out a path for everyone, all different paths, all different obstacles, all different twists and turns.  When we follow our passions, and use our gifts, we are staying on the path God laid for us.  He knows what we need, and will give us the skills and lessons to do those things.  Following our passions is how we are able to get clues about our path.  God doesn't tell us what the end of the path will be like, he just tells us where to put our foot to take the next step.  We can get clues from other people, or from The Bible, or through prayer and God speaking to us directly.  We can listen for God's small voice in the middle of all of our crazy thoughts - it's the one that sticks out, the one that is peaceful when we are stressed and feeling crazy."

We prayed over our pros and cons list for everything Jonah is involved in.  We talked about which things could happen with less stress.  We focused on solutions, rather than problems, and Jonah came to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be to stay home from school.  And so...  he did.

Dreads for The Boy + Weekend Adventures.

We put dreads in Jonah's hair last week.  They are ROCKIN'.  I love everything about them.

He said he hated brushing his hair and never wanted to do it again.  I told him we could shave his head or put in dreads, if he was serious.  He opted for the dreads.

photo credit:  Summer Webb

photo credit:  Summer Webb

Did I mention it was 85 degrees here yesterday and we spent the day at the beach?

We have had a lovely past few days.

This weekend we managed to go to LEGO storytime at our local library; attend First Friday - where Michael played a gig at the used bookstore while the kids and I explored the square and the wharf, ate ice cream and drank smoothies, and picked up some comic books; go to the farmer's market and grab some local honey, blackberry jelly, and a huge bag of kale; go roller skating with Michael's colleagues; pick up roller blades for Jonah and watch him zoom around the neighborhood; go grocery shopping; play music, see friends, and love on Jesus at church; and watch Dino Squad like maniacs.  It was full and AWESOME.

I've been working on my attitude when it comes to the weekend.  Often I go into it sort of expecting to be disappointed.  I'm changing my perspective to "expecting to be surprised", and it's working out WELL.

Hoping all of you had a wonderful weekend and are also having a wonderful WEEK!

News and Musings.

Michael is out tonight finishing up a sound and projection screen install at a local church.  When he receives his paycheck for this job, we will have enough to buy the bus - not enough to outfit the bus, but enough to get our shell so we can get started ripping out seats and working toward a livable interior.  Thinking about it as reality is pretty insane.  Every day I get a little more excited, and every day, at the same time, I cling a little tighter to the walls of our current abode.

It's funny.

This was supposed to be our forever house.  When we bought it, we were so happy with the layout, the neighborhood, the "within walking distance" closeness of everything we could possibly need...  I still love all of those things.  I love the neighborhood and the abundance of children in it.  Our neighbors who are mostly wonderful folks who look out for our kids and lend us yard tools and trade seeds and plants with us.  I love the familiarity.  It's really the first place I've felt like our family has been a family and our home has been a HOME.

Before this, there was no Maeryn and I was still working full time.

We've "grown up" and figured out the family thing under this roof.

The heights of my kids are etched in pencil on the wall between the kitchen and living room.

The table is spattered with paints and glitter.

The sunlight hits the kitchen just so in the fall and spring.

I love the colors of the walls, the crackle of the downstairs fireplace, the soft blue hue of the living room - the way the windows let sound in, but not out, so you never feel really alone, but you have your solitude.

These are the things I will leave behind.

Mornings with a cup of tea, steam streaming into my face, morning cresting over the arched windows...

The bus...

It is something we need.

God said "Sell the house" a year ago when I wondered how to deal with our mountain of debt.

I balked and clutched more tightly to this place, nested further into it, built more memories onto it.

There is MORE out there for this family.

I worry about Jonah leaving his friends.  I worry about Maeryn leaving her familiar place - the place she came after she was born - her only "home".  I worry about me - where will I put all of my artwork?!

I'm terrified about this journey on the road.

But family is about more than a house.

In fact - I think a house is optional.  Family is about being together.  I think the four of us will learn more about family on this journey than we could ever possibly learn stuck in Southern Maryland.

I suppose the bus and all things surrounding the bus will be frequent topics here from now on.  I suppose that's natural.  It's what we're doing.  It's what's on my mind.

That and Jonah.

Always Jonah.

We began herbal tea asthma regimen two days ago.  I will keep you updated.

I have given up haircuts for Lent.  I am already a little bitter about it - but I won't give up.  It's another thing I know I need to do.  I try not to question as much as I want to anymore.

We came into this season of the liturgical year with thought and promise.  I always want it to be deep and spiritual, but sometimes it's laundry and vacuuming and delivered pizza and missing Michael while he does an odd job and Dragon Tales on Netflix streaming.  I think that's what life is about.  That ebb and flow.  That richness and poverty.  Thoughtful daydreams and living in the moment.  Happiness and sad.

I can't imagine what the next year will bring, and (progress!) I think I've stopped trying.

Debt...and NOT debt.

We paid off The Mobile today!

It is an AMAZING feeling.

We paid off our car loan TWO YEARS early.

I'm stoked.

Now we are discussing toward what we will put our extra money per month.

Do we pay off my 40K school loan?  Or do we save like maniacs for a school bus by June!

Michael drew up amazing plans for a bus conversion, and several buses will be on sale for cheap at the end of the school year.  We have some contacts with transportation for the school system and if we work REALLY hard at saving and taking on all the odd jobs we can get our hands on, we might be able to do it!  Then we'd dump everything into paying down that horrifying school loan - we'll have to start making "real" payments on it in November.  Luckily, the debt is broken down into four separate loans that we can actually pay off one at a time, though the bill will come for $400 a month until we get rid of each one - then the price will be reduced appropriately as each debt is paid off.  I'm scared about the November debt, but excited about other possibilities.

Still working on total peace about giving up this house.

I really LOVE this house.  It is just a THING.  But there are memories and we have worked hard to make it OURS.  I know we can always get another house, but I'll miss the wall where we marked the heights of our children as they have grown, my little tech center in the kitchen, the colors of the walls, the fiery orange bathroom, all the ideas we had for this place, our cute little back yard and garden - I need to make peace with all of that.

When I think about the house and I pray about having peace, I really keep getting this picture of something I heard in a sermon a long time ago, about holding on desperately to a bag full of dog poop because you are afraid to let it go, while God is waiting in the wings with a handful of emeralds.  We cling to what we know because we like things how they are and we can't imagine how they could get better - but God ALWAYS knows what's best for us and I have GOT to trust that.

I've also been thinking about what this trip means when it comes to the things God has placed on my heart about unity in the church.  The books that have been slipped under my nose about where the church is headed, and where it needs to go.  I wonder how to put it all together.  I wonder what the future will bring.  I wonder what colors we'll paint our bus!

So...today is a GOOD day.  Paying off a huge debt feels amazing.  I can't imagine what it will feel like to pay off my school loan.  I'm drooling just thinking about it.  And the bus?  I'm so excited.  Terrified, and excited.  Author, Shane Claiborne, said something about knowing it's a God thing when our knees are knocking together with fear, but our hearts are filled with peace.  Our God is an AWEsome God.

Manic Monday and The Gift of Nothing.

After last week, which I admit was a week of blah and laziness and general boycotting of going out of the house, this week has started off on the RIGHT foot.

This morning the kids and I headed out to the big evil box giant (read: Walmart) and picked up some necessary items:  hats, gloves, (did I mention it was SNOWING this morning?!), socks and underwear (for me - highly necessary items, btw), bananas, wrapping paper, Christmas cards, and sliced Swiss cheese.  (This was after an incident involving Maeryn and blue nail polish from my bedside table drawer and me in the shower and Jonah saying: "MOMMA!  Maeryn's doing something REALLY bad!"...  and a bath for Maeryn...and the use of ungodly amounts of nail polish remover on more things than you could imagine...).  We returned home with our spoils and ate lunch, then read about fifteen library books and then headed out to the library for more!

Jonah found these books he likes where one page if for the parent to read and the opposite page is for the child.  I admit that they are pretty cool.  Maeryn played on the toddler computers the entire time.  Jonah found about twenty more books he wanted and Maeryn had me pick books for her.  I got a GREAT book about the potty, if I do say so myself:

If you've ever really wanted to know what it would be like if barnyard animals used potty seats, THIS is the book for you!  (Really, I highly recommend it...)

And this sweet book about Rosa Parks:

I loved the illustrations and the rhythm of the words is truly inspiring.

We also got this:

BY FAR my favorite find of the day.

GREATEST book EVER.

I don't think this is an exaggeration.

It had so much to do with everything that I've been thinking about when it comes to materialism and Christmas and some struggles I've been having personally with the way I think my kids view the holidays and times when they see their grandparents - this book says it ALL.

I don't think I've mentioned it much here, if at all, but this whole...Christmas is about GETTING mentality that is how this season seems to function has been really getting to me.  I would say it's been getting to me since early high school, and with the Advent Conspiracy at church this year and my own thoughts about it last year (yeah, I wanted to go to Walmart and hold signs that said Christmas is about more than presents but none of my friends would go with me.  I even offered free hot chocolate!) - things have sort of come to a head.  I hate that when I ask Jonah what he's excited about when it comes to Christmas he says "presents!"  I know that many of you will say - he's a kid, that's normal.

Okay, fine, it's normal - but is it RIGHT?  Is it what we really WANT this holiday to be about???

Our pastor yesterday told us about a court case where someone tried to sue the government about letting people off of work for Christmas because it violates the separation of church and state.  What's sad is that the state WON the case because they were able to prove that Christmas, as celebrated in America, is not a religious holiday!  Pretty sorry on the Church, when you think about it, huh?

And things like that can't change at a larger level until they change in my own home.  Period.

And here's the thing - it's my fault.  It's the fault of Michael and me.  WE are the ones who get so busy over the holidays we can't do anything fun with our kids BESIDES opening presents on Christmas morning.  We're in meetings and plays and singing at church and working on album releases and not establishing any fun traditions with our kids EXCEPT the opening of presents.  There must be a change, ladies and gentlemen.  And there WILL be a change.  OH - change is COMING.

This week - we're still overscheduled.  It's insane.  Michael is currently at a policy meeting for the theatre, then I have a rehearsal tomorrow night and Wednesday night for the play I'm in at the very same theatre.  Thursday I am meeting with our pastor about the church's drama team.  Then Friday, (praise the LORD!) Michael and I have a date night (our first in MONTHS) - hopefully we can find a babysitter.  Saturday my acting class (that I teach) has their final performance and Michael has ANOTHER policy meeting in the afternoon.  BUT Saturday evening we MIGHT make fudge for friends and we MIGHT go to DC to see the National Christmas tree - which could be a REALLY cool traditions - AND...MIGHT we go ice skating in the sculpture garden?  Ah - we JUST might.

And the week following?  Michael and I are going to sit down and figure out some great new traditions to establish and some new Christmas fun to try - things that have NOTHING to do with getting presents.

Any suggestions?  We'd love to hear what you and yours do to make the season merry - things that DON'T include gift exchange.

PS - If you haven't read The Gift of Nothing, you really should.  In fact, I think that you should do it as soon as humanly possible.  Run out and get a copy right now! Then comment and tell me what you think!

You can purchase your very own copy of The Gift of Nothing at the bottom of this page.

LOVING it.

My friend, Deborah, brought me a copy of Common Prayer:  A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals yesterday.  I am IN LOVE with this book.  I'm reading the forward right now and can't wait to get started on the liturgy.  It is beyond exciting to understand liturgy in this new way and to know that the liturgy is becoming popular once more in the Church.  I'm excited about using the liturgical calendar instead of the Roman one and ESPECIALLY excited about the feast days!

Loving what the New Monastics are doing.  Praying SO HARD for the unity of the Church.

Inspired on Monday.

I figured it was about time to write another blog about what's keeping me going around here.

Tara at The Organic Sister has Inspiration Monday every Monday, and sometimes I like to contribute to her links when it comes to other blogs posting inspiring material.  So here I am.

Things that inspire TODAY:

1.  The gorgeous frost and the glittering mailbox.

2.  The hubby, who was up at 5 AM this morning and took off work today to work on his "to-do" list

3. This and all that the new monastics stand for.

4.  My cup of green tea.

5.  The public library.

6.  Putting warm water in the bird bath.

7.  The way Mondays give me a new lease on life.  A fresh start.  A new beginning.

8.  This mash-up.

dirty jeans

I haven't washed my jeans for quite some time. I think I've been wearing them four days now. They are sort of itchy.

I remember this one time in college, my friend Keith didn't wash his jeans for three weeks. We all told him how gross he was and he told us how we didn't know what we were missing because they were so soft and comfy.

I'm thinking you can probably go to the extreme with anything...

But I just read the Irresistible Revolution so I'm all revved up about social justice and action and whatnot.

Michael hasn't read it yet, but he's heard me rant and rave for the last three days and we're seriously thinking of selling our house and getting an RV. Then just heading out on a God journey all over the place just loving on people. Michael just quitting his job. Using the cash from the sale of the house and just trusting God to take care of us when the money runs out.

Most people will say this is irresponsible, foolish, and more. According to the book, that's a pretty good indication we're doing the right thing.

We're looking into health insurance for the kids and things of that nature.

The thing that's hard about this whole thing is that I have this part of myself clambering for my children to have a "normal" American childhood, which is basically pretty selfish, but I'm scared of going that far outside the norm - for their sake more than anything.

But going out, doing this thing - they will learn more than hanging around our house and never seeing that there are people with less than us. It's not real to them.

Maeryn's a little too small to get it right now, but Jonah is ripe for understanding such things.

Michael is out running six miles right now.

I haven't done a thing this week to stay in shape. Hoping to get in a thirty mile ride sometime this week, though the week is pretty packed.

If you're reading this, please pray that God will direct us in the ways we need to change our life as a family to be Jesus to the world.

Run Reflection

As a stay at home mom who does some acting and writing on the side, I've found that one of my biggest struggles is with guilt. Even though I spend all day with my children, I feel guilty sacrificing family time to my hobbies or to my health - which, depending upon whom you ask, are equally necessary for the one to be sustained. I have tried to learn, and to put into practice, a philosophy of well-being for myself so that I can continue to have the energy to maintain my family.

I've made some mistakes along the way, including committing to direct a show at a theatre an hour north of our home, which will have me away from home about four hours an evening three nights a week. This was mistake I will not make again soon. I need to learn to take decisions more seriously and not let flattery get the better of me. I've got to be confident enough in my own abilities and values so as not to let anything stand in the way of my goals for life and God's plan that may well thwart them.

Either way, what I've been aiming to get to here is that I run. I also cycle but prefer to do it with friends thus far. I swim alone, but it's a pain to drive somewhere to work out even though I prefer the water to any other element. I run by myself. I go out the door and I run. The farthest I've gone is 5.2 miles. I did my first 5K in March.

I got into running to lose baby weight after Maeryn. I wanted to debunk the myth that Mummy Tummy is non-negotiable. I still have one a year later, albeit much smaller. I do think I'll pull off washboard abs without plastic surgery yet, but it's still up for discussion since I haven't noted any protruding abdominal muscles overshadowing my stretch marks yet.

I've been in and out of the running habit. Life will sometimes get in the way of fitness, normally in the form of theatre or illness. We had a run on illnesses in our family following the 5K that pretty much screwed my goal of running a half marathon at the end of the summer in VA Beach. I'm okay with that. For me, running is more of a spiritual exercise. Expect a lot of entries titled simply "run reflection" on this blog. I think it's important to have adventures as a family, but I also think it's important to have adventures as yourself.

Last night, Michael and I watched Into the Wild, our latest mailing from Netflix. We both left the TV room feeling a little sick over the whole story. We hadn't read the book beforehand or done any research and neither of us had ever heard of Chris McCandless before. Our experiences concerning anyone with that surname had to do with theatrical lighting theory. In short, neither of us knew he was going to die at the end. We knew it was based on a true story, but we didn't know the ending. We both sort of expected him to walk out of Alaska unscathed, or for someone to find him while he was paralyzed and shrivled and bring him to medical attention somewhere. I hated the movie last night.

Today I feel a little differently.

It was based on a true story, so Sean Penn didn't have much choice when it came to the ending. But now, I'm not sure it could have ended any other way. Would Chris go back to his parents? Truly? After all of that, just return to his family and attempt some semblence of normal life? I don't see how it would be possible to deal with such a materialistic society after doing without it for so long. I suppose, though, human beings can adapt to anything.

Today's run was a prayer as I scampered through the bug-infested, muddy, powerline track.

I've been feeling restless for years now. Maybe my entire life. To me, Christianity isn't very genuine if we sit in our suburban townhomes and buy food at McDonalds and race on our Treks and watch the SuperBowl on our plasmas and send a monthly check to Compassion International and our local church. It's hard for me to get my mind around what I'm supposed to do, but it can't continue to go on quite this way. I love my family. I love many parts of my life. I love what my church service, The Refinery, is doing in the world - or at least what we WANT to be doing, but I can no longer simply sit here twiddling my thumbs while the world goes to hell around me.

But what does that mean for a stay at home mom with overdue bills who is scrimping for meals but is too "wealthy" to qualify for food stamps?

Watching Chris McCandless burn his money and send his life savings to charity seemed to me like watching someone exit an exoskeleton that was simply too small. But how does that work for a mom of two small children who loves them and her husband much more than life and materials and who loves everything a whole lot more than money?