Thursday, September 22, 2011


You are a towering enigma
Pouring out your femininity, your intellect, your pink
Bottled bubbles and purple pony-tail innocence
Into projects spilled onto bedroom floors, kitchen tables, car backseats
Infinite table tops and crumbs in the carpet
I follow behind with vacuum, with folder, with sippy cup, with arms
I enfold you to feel your tears and tiny heart flip flop and beat out rhythms I do not yet understand...
Nor will I ever... not completely.
I pack up hopes in boxes and watch with keen eyes for passions and priorities as they develop...
Tiny droplets and clues and hiccups of things to come.
Your hair waves down your back as you stream through the living room shirtless
And I smile and you reach up
Sometimes I am too busy
And you demand with screaming voice
Or cower because you are sad and I cannot hear you.
You play with plastic dinosaurs in the soft corner in the window-light alone
Contended and warm and chattering and I carry the laundry up and down stairs
And your room is dark and smells like hand-me-down clothes and spilled juice and powder
You have built your own block tower.  High and leaning and staggeringly perfect.
I did not see it this morning, when you spent obvious hours constructing
I asked you and you said, shaking your head, "It kept falling, so I knocked it down," somehow not realizing that it still stood in it's magnificence in the middle of your bedroom.
I touch your cheek.  I cook your lunch over steaming stovetop.  
I feel familiar guilty, washed over feelings
Because I can never be good enough at being your mother
And you touch my face and smile and skip away because 
you don't care if I am perfect. 

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

Loved this. Julian and I had such a rough morning so I was SUPER emotional when I read this. I cried.

Some days I really feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing and wish Julian had more/better/I don't know what.

I just love him so much. Wish I could write a poem about him. It's in my heart. Maybe one day it could be on paper.

Thanks for sharing. :-)

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