Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Square One.

We have a bus with bedrooms, a stove, a fridge, a toilet, and an awesome paint scheme.

We have our campground all picked out to wait out the next few months.

The bank accepted the buyer's offer on the house.

We are working toward financial independence apart from "the system".


The bank will not be accepting our hardship.  Which means that...  we're back to square one.

Our house is not sold.  The bus is still parked at a friend's house (who will be selling soon, and we'll have to find another parking space).  We don't have a job...

I don't understand.


I don't...


I'm so frustrated.

I've been trying to get myself together for leaving.

I've quit everything.  Theatre, teaching, worship band...  We've been packing.  We've been selling stuff.  We've told everyone that we're going to leave and everyone keeps asking about our departure date and the fact is?  There isn't one.  There isn't one.

We want to leave.  We want to leave more than anything and we can't.  leave.

People say that there's no such thing as being trapped.  Really?  There isn't?  Then why aren't we in Maine right now fishing for lobster?  Why is my husband's job telling him he can't work from the road?  Why does he keep getting rejected by every other employer to which he applies?

Why have I been preparing my kids to leave their friends and activities if we aren't even leaving?

And what do I do?

How do I maintain this state of limbo?  How?

I drive the kids to swimming lessons and dance lessons and gymnastics and scouts and I try to make our home still feel like home even though things are packed in boxes and the bus feels a zillion times more like home than this townhouse that feels like a cage to me.

Do I sign them up for lessons in the fall?  Do we take Jonah to swim team try-outs and do all those things?  Maeryn wants to try preschool.  And sign-ups are right. now.  So what the heck do I do about that?

And about plans?  People asking when we'll leave and where we'll be and when we'll see them and everything just keeps getting pushed back...

I want to throw up my hands and say "forget it."  Let's just go back to being normal people with normal lives and pretend this bus thing never happened.

I feel like an imposter.  

My cast from the last show I directed got us a national parks membership pass for all the parks in the U.S.  For our trip.  There are three people planning going away parties.  For our trip.

And we're stuck at square one.

I thought God said "Sell the house."  Well...we're trying!  We're down here trying to sell this house!  So now I guess we put it up for rent?  Play that game?  And the time on my kids' childhood keeps ticking away.  And the time we can park the bus at this house keeps ticking away.  And my patience wears thinner and I feel more and more like I don't have a message from God: I'm just insane.

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