Square One.

We have a bus with bedrooms, a stove, a fridge, a toilet, and an awesome paint scheme.

We have our campground all picked out to wait out the next few months.

The bank accepted the buyer's offer on the house.

We are working toward financial independence apart from "the system".

But...



The bank will not be accepting our hardship.  Which means that...  we're back to square one.

Our house is not sold.  The bus is still parked at a friend's house (who will be selling soon, and we'll have to find another parking space).  We don't have a job...

I don't understand.

Why?

I don't...

Ugh.

I'm so frustrated.

I've been trying to get myself together for leaving.

I've quit everything.  Theatre, teaching, worship band...  We've been packing.  We've been selling stuff.  We've told everyone that we're going to leave and everyone keeps asking about our departure date and the fact is?  There isn't one.  There isn't one.

We want to leave.  We want to leave more than anything and we can't.  leave.

People say that there's no such thing as being trapped.  Really?  There isn't?  Then why aren't we in Maine right now fishing for lobster?  Why is my husband's job telling him he can't work from the road?  Why does he keep getting rejected by every other employer to which he applies?

Why have I been preparing my kids to leave their friends and activities if we aren't even leaving?

And what do I do?

How do I maintain this state of limbo?  How?

I drive the kids to swimming lessons and dance lessons and gymnastics and scouts and I try to make our home still feel like home even though things are packed in boxes and the bus feels a zillion times more like home than this townhouse that feels like a cage to me.

Do I sign them up for lessons in the fall?  Do we take Jonah to swim team try-outs and do all those things?  Maeryn wants to try preschool.  And sign-ups are right. now.  So what the heck do I do about that?

And about plans?  People asking when we'll leave and where we'll be and when we'll see them and everything just keeps getting pushed back...

I want to throw up my hands and say "forget it."  Let's just go back to being normal people with normal lives and pretend this bus thing never happened.

I feel like an imposter.  

My cast from the last show I directed got us a national parks membership pass for all the parks in the U.S.  For our trip.  There are three people planning going away parties.  For our trip.

And we're stuck at square one.

I thought God said "Sell the house."  Well...we're trying!  We're down here trying to sell this house!  So now I guess we put it up for rent?  Play that game?  And the time on my kids' childhood keeps ticking away.  And the time we can park the bus at this house keeps ticking away.  And my patience wears thinner and I feel more and more like I don't have a message from God: I'm just insane.

Launching our Souls.

Tonight we launch our website, Patchwork Veracity, into the world.  I'm excited, because I think it's something that has benefits for every artist out there. I'm nervous, because of the money.  Nervous because even though I know how many hours of sweat went into each and every letter and image, I know that people want everything to be free.  Nervous that other people won't appreciate it.  Nervous that it will fail.

Isn't that the root of all our big fears?  Failure?

I guess I could say that if it weren't for the other things happening around my life right now.

I say around, because this thing is not happening to me or my family, but to another radically unschooling family I have had the privilege of getting to know in the last two years.

The Fisher family recently suffered the tragic loss of their little boy, Elijah Rainbow.

The loss of a baby just...  it chills me to the bone.  It sends shivers all down my spine.  It is a thing I cannot fathom.

Not just losing a baby... but losing a child.

This is the second of such losses that has touched me this year.

Brogan, a young boy who was a part of our local church family, passed away earlier this year: cancer.

There is nothing like the loss of a child to change your perspective on everything.

To send you reeling on a guilt trip about how much time you've spent in the last two days staring hard at the computer screen trying to sell something that you're scared no one will want to buy.  How do you ever know?  How can you ever predict the things that can happen in this world?

I feel this trepidation about launching my website out into the world - but the fact is, if it flops... if it's a huge tremendous, laughable failure, my soul is still intact.  Still here.  Still with this earthly family...  And those little boys' souls...  they've launched in an entirely other way.

Dear, Sweet, Brogan and Elijah, may  your days and nights be filled with unfathomable joy and peace and endless...ENDLESS play and undivided attention from The One who has the energy to ALWAYS give.

Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear...

One of our big hang ups about getting into the RV has been a job.  It's also been a hang up about moving anywhere.  Insurance, income, etc.

We've been working toward unjobbing and Michael has been working on his music thing and things have been moving s-l-o-w-l-y in that department...

Today Michael grabbed the bull by the horns, so to speak, and talked to his boss about tele-commuting...

She said if we lived in the area the answer would be no - but for the RV year, for full time RVing, or for a move to anywhere in the WORLD, her answer would be YES.

Things never happen in the order I think they'll happen.

I have this little map in my head of how things are "supposed to" work out.

In the map in my head our land sells first.  Then we get a tele-job or Michael's music biz goes viral.  Then we sell our house or find some really nice renters who we know personally who will let us keep all of our furniture and whatnot in the house while they live there for a year while we tour the country. Then we buy an RV and re-do it and the renters move in and we hit the road.  When we get back we've found our happy place and there is magically someone who would LOVE to buy our house OR we get back and decide that this has been our happy place all along and we move back in.  Either way...this tele-job option wasn't "supposed to" happen now.

And yet...

Michael's Music.

Last night was spent (until 0200!) working on album art for Michael's EP.  I'm now working on hosting the album release party and getting entertainment and refreshments together for the event.  Not sure the release party is necessary, but it seems like the thing to do when you're semi-new to the industry, and Michael deserves it.  With $ so tight around here, we've done nearly all the work ourselves - from album art to recording to instrumentation.  Not only is $ tight, but we don't have a lot of time to waste - we needed to get this first album together asap.  I'm hoping we get a decent turn out at the party, and his listening base expands quickly.  Tonight he'll be up well into the wee hours finalizing the percussion and piano tracks.  He asked me to play piano on one of the songs.  I don't think I'm much to write home about as a musician, so I was pretty honored to be asked - Michael isn't the type just to ask someone because they're his friend or loved one - he wants to do the best possible job - I think it turned out alright - we'll see how it comes together in the end.

I'm insanely proud of him for doing this.  Moving forward with his music is something Michael has wanted to do since he was in high school, and now, to have this opportunity and ability - it's been a wonderful journey to watch.  I know that all of the tracks won't be exactly what he wanted - his cellist bailed at the last second and he's had to fore-go the cello idea to get the album ready before Christmas (we're counting on it for several Christmas presents) - but I think it's going to be good - he's a great song-writer.  People can't miss that when they listen to these tracks.

So here's hoping that this album release party pans out, that our friends will come through with help on the refreshments and entertainment (I'm asking some other song-writers and cover artists we know), and that it can be a happy time for everybody around us.  I see it as a landmark on a long journey for Michael and for our family together - one more step toward our aspirations - together.

Fa la la la. La.

Today was decorating the house for Christmas day.

Normally this is a really exciting day for me, but this morning I woke up with the headcold from hell and a sore throat to go with it, so mostly the kids and Michael decorated and I sat on the couch in a NyQuil induced foggy haze.  I say NyQuil induced...  I took NyQuil last night, so you'd think the effects would have worn off by now... but I still feel foggy.  Maybe the cold just sucks that much.

Regardless, we spent today decorating for the holiday and the kids were in HEAVEN.  Both of them danced around the living room to Christmas carols blasting out of the DVD player and both helped Michael as he strung the lights up and down the outside railings and on our cute little outdoor shrubbery.

I was sad not to participate in my usual way.  You'd think the least I could do would be to sting up some ornaments, but today it just wasn't happening.

Michael thought this snapshot might be funny...

I feel a little sad that I missed out on the fun.  Sitting and observing from the couch just isn't the same, but it was nice that the kids had a good time and that Michael got to spend some much needed quality time with them.

Lots of life discussions happened prior to the tree decorating.  We're trying to figure out where the next steps lead on this path we've chosen for ourselves and our family and it's tough to articulate everything exactly.  Unschooling has taken us to a level that we only really imagined in our wildest interpretations of what the future might hold - it wasn't something we thought would ever be reality.  Now that it IS reality, we're having to look at all of our family life with a new lens, and we're seeing that things really are possible - things we thought were just dreams:  the RV year, unjobbing, working toward unity in the Church...

This blog is going to grow and change and who knows where we'll be in 2011 at this time.  On the road?  Living in intentional community in NYC?  Homesteading in Bozeman?  Bunking with relatives in Denver?  Painting an old Victorian in Johnstown?  Or here in Southern Maryland playing music and gardening and exploring this world?  The possibilities are truly endless.

I've added a new tab at the top of this page to outline our goals in a little more detail and show you how you can help us get there.  Just click on the "aspirations" tab to check things out.

Looking forward to 2011 with fresh eyes and bated breath.  Hoping you'll be gazing along with me.

Stay-cation: Entry 3.

I haven't been updating the way I'd usually like to, but I think it just goes to show you how full and awesome our week together at home as a family was.

I'm going to break up the week into separate entries, just for organizational purposes, even though it's over, sadly.

We arrived home from my parents' house on Wednesday night after a great day at Kooser Dam and exploring the Laurel Highlands in general (I'm from Johnstown, PA, so it was a really nice time for me - everything felt familiar) and Thursday we decided to just hang out and take things easy.

The kids watched an immense amount of television, I painted in acrylics on canvas, and Michael built this:

We later painted it to match the kitchen walls (they're eggplant) and inserted the kids' coloring and activity books.  I LOVE it.  Michael said it's one of the most complex things he's ever built.  It took him all day, but I think it looks GREAT!