The Church in America and a Lesson in Radical Hospitality

We've been staying with some friends.

It's a little unexpected for them and for us.

But here we are.

I'm not going to mention them by name, in case they wouldn't want that, but I'll tell you a bit about them.

Firstly - I am in awe.

I am in awe of how good people can be.

And how far I still have to go on a personal level - when it comes to goodness.  When it comes to hospitality.  When it comes to giving and receiving.  When it comes to living in community.

My parents had a lot of youth over in their younger years when they were youth leaders and I was small.  I can remember teenagers coming over a lot.  Getting their prom pictures taken on our front porch...  When we'd have a revival service at the church the evangelist would often stay at our house, come over for dinner... the worship leaders would crash at our place, use our showers...

I can remember an extremely happy time when my parents' friends Rudy and Freddy stayed over.  They were vocalists.  I was walking down the hallway and Rudy was in the shower, singing.  It was cool to have people over like that.  To get to know them and for them to feel so comfortable in your space.  To have a space that was open...

When we moved during my teens years things changed for my family.  My brother was diagnosed with Juvenile (Type 1) diabetes.  My dad was diagnosed with a chronic form of Vasculitis.  My mom had a hysterectomy.  And I...  well... I was 15.

My family circled the wagons, so to speak.  My dad was taking steroids and having trouble controlling his emotions.  He was unable to go running, as he had in the past, to stay fit.  My brother had seizures sometimes.  It was difficult for all of us to help him to control his blood sugars (he was 9 years old).  People stopped coming over to our house.

We never talked about it, but it was sort of unspoken that our family needed a haven away from prying eyes.  Away from other people.  We all had our ways of secluded our lives from the outside.

Our house stopped being communal and started being reclusive.

I don't think any of us really realized this was the case at the time, but looking back - I see it and how it happened.

Now, here...  I see these people who are so generous with everything.  Their home and their food and their WiFi and water and electric.  I see how easy they live with one another.  How they open their home.

There is another family staying here as well and they are able to fit in.  Able to know when is the right time to have conversation and when is the right time to slip away.

I feel like...  I'm missing that somehow.

I sit in the bus and analyze everything.
I worry so much about getting people to like me.

And I realize, seeing how these people work so hard and have done so much that I have so far to go in my own life.

I am glad to be around them, but in awe of everything about them.

I feel tiny and lazy and so... not driven.

It's funny because I'm not sure how I got here.

I went from working all hours of the day and night between teaching and directing and parenting to focusing so much on our home and our house and our children and those relationships and now I don't feel confident picking up a hammer or knowing if it's okay for me to load and unload the dishwasher.

And I'm sitting here thinking about it and analyzing it and writing this entry and just...  growing?

I have been sent so many lessons in the past few years.

When I was working and teaching - yes, I was learning, but I didn't have time to process anything - I just had to keep going.  I barely had time to go to the bathroom.

Now I'm sitting with all of this time... and doing a lot of thinking.
A  lot of analyzing of my self and my life.

Pondering how to change.  How to learn to be radically hospitable and how to be a great guest... because it's not about leaving no trace.  It's about people and it's something that should be natural but just isn't right now.


I feel like in America Christianity has become some sort of radically patriotic idea.  The pledging of allegiance to the flag in the sanctuary is just as acceptable as the taking of communion.  The Church has adopted the "pull yourself up by your bootstaps" mentality as the country - and that isn't what Jesus intended.

Jesus intended this helping of one another.  This radical sharing.  This - those who have helping those who don't and a give and take that makes sense.  I feel like... because I was raised in the church... I don't even know what hospitality really is.

When my brother was diagnosed with diabetes, no one really understood what was happening.  There was this one woman whose son was also diabetic and she was a great help to my mom.  But where were the offers to drop me off at swim team practice?  Or the bringing of dinners - heck the EATING of dinners together?

Why do we hide in our little holes?

Why don't we ask for help?

Why don't we accept it graciously?

Last night a dad came over to pick up his kids from this house where we're staying.  On his way out he said he needed to work on his car and asked if he could use the lift in the garage.  This garage.  He asked his friend.  And his friend said, "Sure." and it was no big deal.  He has the lift.  Someone else needed the lift.  It was no big deal.

Yesterday our friends needed to pick up a car from the mechanic - so they asked me to go with them and drive the car back.  They didn't assume I would feel offended or put upon.  They just asked me because it's okay to ask for help if you need it.  It's okay to have a relationship that consists of give and take and sometimes more giving and sometimes more taking depending on your situation and that's okay.

This afternoon as Michael was finishing up his work day one of the guys stuck his head in the bus and said, "Hey, you wanna help us haul some shingles?"  And of course Michael was thrilled.

And that's community.

The most interesting part about all of this is that these people we are staying with are not Christians.  They do not "go to church".  But they have internalized ideas about community, peace, love, and kindness that the Church in America seems to have put aside.

My brain isn't sure what to do about this.

One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that she no longer calls herself a Christian.  It just doesn't mean what it used to mean.  It doesn't mean what it's supposed to mean.

One of our friends last night said that people in the South are so suspicious of you if you aren't a Christian.  What's that about?  It sounds like a lack of hope to me.  And aren't Christians supposed to be The People of Hope?  We should be reaching out, reaching down, doing more.  Loving more.  Being an example.

And yet - I find my example here.

In friends who don't embrace this particular faith.

And it makes me fall more deeply in love with humanity, with possibility and imagination...  and less in love with the church.  And The Church?  I hope that we can soon see fit to change.  To read again the gospel messages and take them to heart.  To love with abandon.  To change the world.  Not just sit in our homes and shake our heads at the internet.  But to be the change.  To delve in with imagination and beauty and kindness and peace and spread that.  Turn away from the hatred and the seclusion and the blind patriotism and the greed and hoarding...  Get back to the salt of the earth.  Get back to the light.

 Then again...

Maybe it's not the Church.

Maybe it's just me.

Square One.

We have a bus with bedrooms, a stove, a fridge, a toilet, and an awesome paint scheme.

We have our campground all picked out to wait out the next few months.

The bank accepted the buyer's offer on the house.

We are working toward financial independence apart from "the system".

But...



The bank will not be accepting our hardship.  Which means that...  we're back to square one.

Our house is not sold.  The bus is still parked at a friend's house (who will be selling soon, and we'll have to find another parking space).  We don't have a job...

I don't understand.

Why?

I don't...

Ugh.

I'm so frustrated.

I've been trying to get myself together for leaving.

I've quit everything.  Theatre, teaching, worship band...  We've been packing.  We've been selling stuff.  We've told everyone that we're going to leave and everyone keeps asking about our departure date and the fact is?  There isn't one.  There isn't one.

We want to leave.  We want to leave more than anything and we can't.  leave.

People say that there's no such thing as being trapped.  Really?  There isn't?  Then why aren't we in Maine right now fishing for lobster?  Why is my husband's job telling him he can't work from the road?  Why does he keep getting rejected by every other employer to which he applies?

Why have I been preparing my kids to leave their friends and activities if we aren't even leaving?

And what do I do?

How do I maintain this state of limbo?  How?

I drive the kids to swimming lessons and dance lessons and gymnastics and scouts and I try to make our home still feel like home even though things are packed in boxes and the bus feels a zillion times more like home than this townhouse that feels like a cage to me.

Do I sign them up for lessons in the fall?  Do we take Jonah to swim team try-outs and do all those things?  Maeryn wants to try preschool.  And sign-ups are right. now.  So what the heck do I do about that?

And about plans?  People asking when we'll leave and where we'll be and when we'll see them and everything just keeps getting pushed back...

I want to throw up my hands and say "forget it."  Let's just go back to being normal people with normal lives and pretend this bus thing never happened.

I feel like an imposter.  

My cast from the last show I directed got us a national parks membership pass for all the parks in the U.S.  For our trip.  There are three people planning going away parties.  For our trip.

And we're stuck at square one.

I thought God said "Sell the house."  Well...we're trying!  We're down here trying to sell this house!  So now I guess we put it up for rent?  Play that game?  And the time on my kids' childhood keeps ticking away.  And the time we can park the bus at this house keeps ticking away.  And my patience wears thinner and I feel more and more like I don't have a message from God: I'm just insane.

32 and Playful

Today is my birthday.

I could post something all filled with wisdom and the things I've learned and everything I've added to my mind and soul in the past year, but instead, I think I'll just post something about having fun with my kids, loving life, and being the family we are in constant evolution.

"Compare where you are to where you wanna be and you'll get...

Nowhere..."

These are lyrics from Sara Bareilles's Uncharted.  It's one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite albums of all time: 

The lyrics have really hit home for me lately.

When it comes to the bus, things are looking up.

Michael's boss is willing to move forward in spite of the threats that if things go awry she will be held wholly responsible, and we're moving up the chain of command (literally) to get approval from more people.

Michael put together a complete itinerary for his employers to look at, made notes, explained when he could fly back to Maryland and from where, and color coded everything.

I think it's over-the-top, but it might be necessary for us to be able to get what we want.

We haven't been able to work on the bus in months.  We're both involved in a show at the local theatre.  I'm regretting it at present.  Usually after we open all those misgivings float away and I'm glad I went through all the hell that goes into making a great show - but this time, we're both so involved and we keep missing each other, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get over that, and the guilt that goes with it, to see the great show on the other side.

But aside from the show and the bus and Michael's job...I've been struggling with...stuff.

Where I want to be seems so far from where I am - and I'm not talking about getting in the bus and heading out to California to wrap my arms around a redwood...  I'm talking about mentally.  Physically.  Spiritually.  The way I am with my kids.  The way I keep my house.  The way I pray and read the Bible and study The Word.  The way I maintain friendships and find new ones.  My writing...gosh...my writing...

Right now I'm drained.

I haven't been doing anything to keep in shape to speak of for about a year.  I've stopped running regularly.  There just isn't time.  We don't hike as a family.  There isn't time.  I do the occasional walk to the mailbox.  I eat relatively well.  I'm not gaining weight - but I'm not getting anywhere either, and my energy levels are insanely low.

I get enough sleep.

But without the exercise to keep my body fit, sticking it out energy-wise with my kids is out of the question.  By 4PM I'm tanked.  I need green tea to revive.  After dinner I get a little energy boost but if I'm not a rehearsal, at around 6:30 I'm sapped again.  My mom-ness just doesn't hold out.  I end up sitting on facebook or blogging like I am now or doing something else that's even less productive - like sitting around and staring into space or skimming Pinterest.  I feel totally hypocritical as I post to other moms about how to get their kids outside or fun things to do to encourage their interests.  It's sometimes all I can do to drive my daughter to dance class without falling asleep at the wheel.

On top of that, my play energy is just not where I wish it was.

I wish I loved playing.

I wish I wanted to play all day!

It seems like it should be fun as heck to play with stuffed animals and dolls and play house and Star Wars and paint with fingerpaints and bake cookies and run around outside for hours... so why don't I do it?  Why do I refuse, make excuses, come up with more sedate activities?  Why do I do that when what I want is an active family with a big imagination.

I ponder this and I pray about it and I decide to do better...and then...the next day... I make all those same excuses again.

I think about the Apostle Paul talking about how he keeps doing the things he doesn't want to do.  I feel like that on a daily basis.

I want to get out of this rat hole I've shut myself into.

I want to do the flipping dishes once in awhile.

I want to keep up with my three-year-old.

I want to make awesome memories with my children.

People around me look at me like I'm this amazing mom - and that makes it all feel that much worse.  Because I know where I am...and I know where I want to be...and I see this gaping hole in between - and no bridge to cross it.

I'm looking forward to this show closing.

Theatre is good for our family in that it forces us to cut out everything else.  This means that each time we come off of a show, we get to choose which things we allow back into our lives, and which new things we add, and what we cut out or give a rest or take away.

This time I want to be more careful.

I started attending a writing group a few weeks ago.  It fed my soul in ways I cannot describe to those of you who are not writers.

Today a few of us met again at a coffeeshop.

I should have been at my studio, putting in my required number of hours and churning out artistic product for potential clients...but I didn't go.  I spent my entire afternoon at the coffeeshop talking with the other writers.  I don't regret it in the least.

I left feeling human.

Those times, for me, are often few and far between.

How to be Together.

Our family is busy this summer.

Just to say "busy"...  well...that's an understatement.

Those of you who know us well know that Michael and I stay busy much of the time.  I'm not sure how other people don't pack their lives full of activities, but I know that they don't.  I also know that if we stopped doing many of the things we're doing we would both be depressed and dis-impassioned, and I don't think it's worth it.

We have taken on the mantra that if we don't WANT to do it, then we don't do it.  I'm sure that seems simple for some of you, but for us, it really isn't!  We don't like to disappoint people, so it's hard for us to say no.  We've taken to working hard to THINK long and hard before we say yes to anything, and if WE don't WANT to, we say no.

I realize that this goes against many of our teachings as children.  We are taught to please people, it's how we make it through school and function well in the workplace - but for our personal and social lives, we must learn to say no - and such is also the case in the workplace and ought to be the case at school - we need to be empowered to say NO.

In light of our busy-ness and myriad of activities (I admit this summer is the most booked we've ever been...well...since I was working full time at a traditional job...), we're trying to work harder on being together as a family when it counts.  When we HAVE the time.

This means saying yes to the kids even more often than before - just to get the time.  We got a "baby pool" with a slide the other day for thirty bucks so we would have more things to do at home on super hot days.  We've set aside a weekend for our EOSYCT (End of School Year Camping Trip) and everyone is excited (yes, I realize my children don't go to school, but the tradition remains).  We're honing in on the kids' interests and working to come alongside them while they practice...  and so far, things are flowing. 

The crazy of our schedules is helping me to slow DOWN in my parenting.  Which means that instead of getting angry, I'm taking more pictures.

This isn't to say I have all the answers - or to say that being insanely busy is the best thing for any family.  I am saying that it's something we're working on.  BEING together.  Taking advantage of all the moments we're given with our children.  It's something I've got to focus on this summer, or we're not going to survive intact.  We'll lose something much too big to sacrifice.

Kites.

Last week the kids got kites in the mail.

Jonah took a serious interest in kites - I'm thinking as a result of the China studies we've been doing - and we decided to order both kids good kites.  There are no great kite stores around here, to my knowledge.  The kids had $1 Walmart kites that actually lasted a good amount of time, but they never flew very well, and they were plastic and...  well...  kites are cool, and I think a very worthy investment.

So I found a great kite store online and I let the kids choose their kites.  Jonah spent about ten minutes on the phone with Michael discussing lift and drag, and just how kites fly.  He discussed every shape of kite listed on the website to determine which would have the best flying power.  He finally went with a seven foot shark kite.  I admit, it's pretty cool.

Maeryn chose solely based on color (still super cool):

 Hers is a crow, in case that wasn't obvious from the photo.

We headed out to a field next to the river and flew kites for a couple of hours.  It was a truly wonderful time.  I am learning to embrace the moment as it comes.  I'm learning to live into situations as they arise.

The field was muddy.  Neither kid remembered to wear shoes.  That is fine.  We ran through the field.  We got dirty.  The grass tickled our legs.  The air was colder than expected.  None of it mattered.  Everything was perfect.  I was there with my beautiful children and my fun-loving husband and we were flying these great kites. 

It had been at least fifteen years since I last held a kite.  Maybe more than that.  The tugging of the kite in the wind always scared me:  What if I can't hold on? 

This day, holding the kite was like flying myself.  I loved its dance in the breeze.  Its dips and flutters and flips and unexpected dives.  Both kids held their own kites and graciously gave Mom and Dad turns when they were tired of holding them or wanted to start over.  Maeryn found time to play in the plentiful gravel and pick buttercups for me.  Jonah went through tragedy and triumph and all of the emotions that go along as his kite refused to fly and then finally refused to stop flying - and we watched it swim through the wind with a sense of awe.

Adventure Bus Savings!

In case you haven't noticed - there is a cute little thermometer in the sidebar of this blog telling you just how much money we've managed to save toward our bus.  The thermometer keeps track of all we've managed to pinch and scrape together plus any generous gifts we might happen to obtain.

Today I was so excited to see that someone I didn't even know was reading this blog made a generous donation.  Thank you so much!  It's so amazing the people that you can come across in the blogosphere and people who are supportive of seeing others achieve their dreams.

In addition to Adventure Bus Savings, we're also pinching pennies to get ourselves completely our of debt.  I'm sure you've read about that in previous posts here.  Michael has started taking on as many odd jobs as possible and I'm looking at the possibility of getting a full time teaching and art studio locally to make some extra cash.  I admit I'm excited about the possibility of having time and space to create while making the money we need, but I have a little bit of guilt about taking time away from the family.  I realize, however, that things that give me energy are things that really do help around the house in the long run.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time doing things for ME, and the pay off was, in my opinion, that I was highly energized all day and in a super positive mood.  I baked bread and took the kids places and didn't flip out AT ALL even in the stressful situations.  Everything just seemed mellow and I was able to take things in stride after the me time yesterday.  I didn't even care that I had to dust bust crumbs or clean up toys before my acting students arrived at the house.  The prospect of the studio even had me up half the night just thinking about the possibilities and 10 PM the next day I don't feel all that tired.  It's amazing how our bodies can run on energy giving activities for such a long time. 

Hoping all of you are able to spend some time for yourselves this week, or maybe this weekend. 

Thanks again to those of you who have been able to give toward our bus and our debt free dreams.  My hat is off to you and I pray that you are blessed a thousand times.

Urban Wildlife Habitats

Last night Michael and I watched Big Ideas for a Small Planet - a series of TV programs about how to live a more sustainable life.  I know that these shows aired quite awhile ago, but we don't have television service, we have Netflix Streaming, to we're a little behind the curve on just about everything when it comes to TV.

Regardless, we watched three episodes last night and one of them was about how to co-habitate with wildlife, since we're pretty much constantly destroying their homes.

There is currently a movement to provide housing for the animals that would have naturally lived in the space before humans so that they can move back in, or continue to pass through in their natural migration patterns.  Many people already do this with things like bird houses, bird baths, and bird feeders, but we're a little timid when it comes to providing habitats for bats, hawks, rodents, foxes, deer, insects, and the like, because we're not so comfortable with having them in our backyard, so to speak.  The movement focuses on animals who are in danger of dying out due to our considerable takeover of what used to be their space.

Artist Fritz Haeg established the project Build a Better Snag after doing considerable study in the Portland area to figure out which animals needed help.  He built a snag - another name for a dead tree - artistically, and displayed it for other artists so that they too could create housing for endangered animals, encouraging them to move back into the city.

I know there are considerable problems with this - like cars, for example.  Seems like a pretty bad idea to encourage wildlife to move in so that they can get hit by cars and go through our garbage, but I think this guy and his movement might be onto something.  Perhaps we should figure out better ways to dispose of our trash AND better ways to get around town (sans automobiles).  More public transit, especially underground or high above it would allow more animals to live and move freely about.  Habitats for "less desirable" or more predatory animals could reside in parks and designated open spaces instead of in our back yards, and our backyards could house squirrels, birds, lizards, frogs, fish, and bees.  Will they mix - yes, the will - but is it also important for us to learn to get along with these creatures in better ways?  It's gotta be.  If we don't preserve ecosystems, it doesn't matter how clean the air is and how clear our waterways are - if the animals don't have a place to live, the ecosystems will fail and we're all screwed anyway, even if we clean up our act.

We've already got a bird bath and wildflower beds for pollinators -  this year I'd like to add a bee house.

What do you think?  How can we better co-habitate with animals?   Should we encourage re-habitation?

Dreads for The Boy + Weekend Adventures.

We put dreads in Jonah's hair last week.  They are ROCKIN'.  I love everything about them.

He said he hated brushing his hair and never wanted to do it again.  I told him we could shave his head or put in dreads, if he was serious.  He opted for the dreads.

photo credit:  Summer Webb

photo credit:  Summer Webb

Did I mention it was 85 degrees here yesterday and we spent the day at the beach?

We have had a lovely past few days.

This weekend we managed to go to LEGO storytime at our local library; attend First Friday - where Michael played a gig at the used bookstore while the kids and I explored the square and the wharf, ate ice cream and drank smoothies, and picked up some comic books; go to the farmer's market and grab some local honey, blackberry jelly, and a huge bag of kale; go roller skating with Michael's colleagues; pick up roller blades for Jonah and watch him zoom around the neighborhood; go grocery shopping; play music, see friends, and love on Jesus at church; and watch Dino Squad like maniacs.  It was full and AWESOME.

I've been working on my attitude when it comes to the weekend.  Often I go into it sort of expecting to be disappointed.  I'm changing my perspective to "expecting to be surprised", and it's working out WELL.

Hoping all of you had a wonderful weekend and are also having a wonderful WEEK!

News and Musings.

Michael is out tonight finishing up a sound and projection screen install at a local church.  When he receives his paycheck for this job, we will have enough to buy the bus - not enough to outfit the bus, but enough to get our shell so we can get started ripping out seats and working toward a livable interior.  Thinking about it as reality is pretty insane.  Every day I get a little more excited, and every day, at the same time, I cling a little tighter to the walls of our current abode.

It's funny.

This was supposed to be our forever house.  When we bought it, we were so happy with the layout, the neighborhood, the "within walking distance" closeness of everything we could possibly need...  I still love all of those things.  I love the neighborhood and the abundance of children in it.  Our neighbors who are mostly wonderful folks who look out for our kids and lend us yard tools and trade seeds and plants with us.  I love the familiarity.  It's really the first place I've felt like our family has been a family and our home has been a HOME.

Before this, there was no Maeryn and I was still working full time.

We've "grown up" and figured out the family thing under this roof.

The heights of my kids are etched in pencil on the wall between the kitchen and living room.

The table is spattered with paints and glitter.

The sunlight hits the kitchen just so in the fall and spring.

I love the colors of the walls, the crackle of the downstairs fireplace, the soft blue hue of the living room - the way the windows let sound in, but not out, so you never feel really alone, but you have your solitude.

These are the things I will leave behind.

Mornings with a cup of tea, steam streaming into my face, morning cresting over the arched windows...

The bus...

It is something we need.

God said "Sell the house" a year ago when I wondered how to deal with our mountain of debt.

I balked and clutched more tightly to this place, nested further into it, built more memories onto it.

There is MORE out there for this family.

I worry about Jonah leaving his friends.  I worry about Maeryn leaving her familiar place - the place she came after she was born - her only "home".  I worry about me - where will I put all of my artwork?!

I'm terrified about this journey on the road.

But family is about more than a house.

In fact - I think a house is optional.  Family is about being together.  I think the four of us will learn more about family on this journey than we could ever possibly learn stuck in Southern Maryland.

I suppose the bus and all things surrounding the bus will be frequent topics here from now on.  I suppose that's natural.  It's what we're doing.  It's what's on my mind.

That and Jonah.

Always Jonah.

We began herbal tea asthma regimen two days ago.  I will keep you updated.

I have given up haircuts for Lent.  I am already a little bitter about it - but I won't give up.  It's another thing I know I need to do.  I try not to question as much as I want to anymore.

We came into this season of the liturgical year with thought and promise.  I always want it to be deep and spiritual, but sometimes it's laundry and vacuuming and delivered pizza and missing Michael while he does an odd job and Dragon Tales on Netflix streaming.  I think that's what life is about.  That ebb and flow.  That richness and poverty.  Thoughtful daydreams and living in the moment.  Happiness and sad.

I can't imagine what the next year will bring, and (progress!) I think I've stopped trying.

Quick List of Happenings and Thoughts.

- Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day - I am actually Irish and will be making vegan shepherd's pie.  The kids will probably not eat it, but I will be happy to have the smells in the house.

-  We are taking Jonah off of his asthma medication and starting him on an herbal regimen.  Don't worry, we're telling his specialist.

-  Had a fun day today for the most part - went to see a friend's baby goat!  The kids had fun playing on the trampoline and checking out Pokemon cards and Star Wars action figures.  I was glad to chat with another mom :)

-  We made vegan vanilla and vegan chocolate cakes tonight.  It was sort of a disaster - the cakes turned out alright, but the kids were way too tired to have as much fun as we'd hoped to have.

-  I'm learning that there is this volatile period of hyperactivity before a crash and burn into tired tantrums before sleep occurs.  This is valuable information.

-  I have been so lazy about blogging.  I just don't feel like downloading pictures.  Sigh.

-  I've been treating my seasonal depression with herbs this season.  I'm not sure yet if I've noticed a change.  It's been four days.  I'll let you know the verdict in a week or so.

-  We had a fun visit from my parents Sunday - Tuesday.

-  We found our bus.  It'll be available in June.  We're saving up to pay for it in cash.

-  I haven't logged our "academic" activity since Michael and Jonah returned from their hike.  I'm having a hard time feeling bad about this.

-  Got a new book from Amazon about unschooling.  Already 3/4 through it.  It came yesterday.

-  Looking forward to reading my magazine and book in bed tonight.  Wishing the evening didn't fly by quite so quickly.

-  I've decided that days go far too fast since we quit schooling.  I'm bitter about it.

-  We visited the intentional community house and everyone in our family loved it.  There are tons of allergens that would need to be dealt with before we could move in, and the prospect still scares us to death, but it's on the radar as a real possibility...  if we ever get up the guts to sell this place.

-  I feel like I hardly ever talk about Maeryn here.  Just wanted to say - she grows more beautiful by the day.

-  I end most days feeling like sleep should be optional.

Foods, Voltron, etc.

Today I made blueberry banana muffins.  They're sort of a staple around here.

I had a splash of guilt.  Bananas are bad.  This is because, according to the book I've been reading, they are unreasonably cheap.

Think about it this way - bananas have to come from far away to get into our supermarkets.  It must cost an awful lot of fuel and preservative conditions to get them here intact...  so why are they the cheapest fruit around?  Well, the money loss has to be from somewhere, and according to my latest reading, it's lost on the workers.  I'm not so surprised.  This is so often the case.

Bananas will probably not be leaving our menu any time soon.  They are the best egg replacement I've managed to find, and since most of my baking has to be vegan (my son has egg and dairy allergies), it's tough to say we won't be using bananas.

It does have me thinking about my foods.  Their sources.

Blueberries are NOT in season.  They must travel far and wide to arrive here in my grocer's produce section as well.  So what to do?

The jury is still out as far as what our family will decide.  All I know is that I'm looking forward to the farmer's market openings come April around these parts.  I can't wait to have fresh produce in the house that I can feel great about.

Jonah is still rebelling.  He had a fit this morning because we got the organic rice milk rather than the vanilla kind he's used to.  He told me in the past he prefers to have the original when up against the vanilla flavored, but today that was not the case.  He still used it on his cereal, but not without protest.

I had this thought that I'd like to move into a big old farmhouse and go ahead and do the homesteading thing.  Whole hog.  Just go for it.  Grow all our own produce, raise chickens, make friends with the neighbors and share things, knit like crazy...  It seems great in a dreamy sort of way - but when I think about it I'm not sure I have that kind of self-discipline.

I'm getting there.

Today I spent a good amount of time thinking about the spring garden I'm hoping to plant.

We don't have a lot of space, but I'm hoping to plant tomatoes, peppers, and squash - some of our family favorites when it comes to what we use in our cooking.  Jonah will have his own little plot where he can plant the veggies or flowers of his choice.  I'm going to get some seeds for native flowers to attract butterflies and bees and a handy bird feeder because I love to watch the birds and the bees and butterflies will be great for the garden as they pollinate the flowers on all kinds of blooms.

I've learned a lot about gardening in the last year through reading and experience.  Perhaps this year's harvest will yield a bit more than last year's.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to impose on Jonah's Voltron marathon long enough to head out to the library tomorrow, get some healthy food into his belly, and spark some interest in Valentine baking and garden planning.

We'll see how that goes.

On another note - with our tax return we will be just $13 away from paying off our car and one step closer to living debt free!

Day in the Life.

Winter hike with friends.

Partially frozen river.

geocache.

Dragonfly in the geocache - the kids signed their names.

winter at home

So far this winter our family has been through series of ups and downs.  The ups are way up.  The downs are in the dregs. 

There have been days of supreme boredom and days of supreme creativity.  They usually accompany one another in some way. 

I have found this winter to be one of magic, but also of sighs and silences and wondering what will happen next.

Nothing is certain and no plans necessarily go off as originally planned.

I am learning to deal with this and praying for a change in my life, in my outlook - so that I can embrace it.

Jonahs lunch time creation.

During a visit to my parents for the express purpose of experiencing PA winter.

I was blogging or something  :-)

"Twizzle Stix" - Jonah's creation and strewing success!

Things about which I need to write:

1)  Michael's debate with co-workers about unschooling vs. the public school system and traditional homeschooling...

2)  Our switch to whole, organics, no GMO...

3)  The date on which I am about to embark with my husband complete with babysitter and gift cards.

Just a preview for you and a reminder for me.

:-)

Year-End Review 2010.

I've been planning on writing this blog since I got my latest issue of Whole Living magazine. 

I always want to write some amazing and fabulous New Year blog, but I end up with resolutions I forget about or goals I don't fulfill. 

I am always astonished by what each year brings:  never what I expected.



This year, Whole Living published a short article about assessing the past year, and I decided to do my assessment on this blog, answering the questions given as starters in the article in the order the are given there.

THE PAST YEAR:

How have you spent your time?

The year seems so long.  Looking back over it - the spring of 2010 doesn't seem tangible.  It's like a bubble that has floated away and popped.  I can imagine where it was, but I can't see it any longer - just a vapor, a few droplets, a brief shimmer.

How have I spent my time?

Retracing steps...

The winter of last year - Jonah was still at the Montessori School and I was relatively happy with that.  I was living into my identity as stay-at-home mom to mostly Maeryn with interludes of picking up my son at school and rushing him to activities. 

I attended the State One Act Festival with Butterfly by Trish Cole in the role of David - a transgendered young man who was trying desperately to win his mother's acceptance - he never gets it.  She strangles him, in the end, in her desperation and insanity and grief over her lost daughter who never was to begin with. 

During the one-act festival I stayed at Sheila's house - the producer - along with the other women in the cast and learned so much about being a woman and a mother and an artist and how those things go together.  It was a spiritual retreat of sorts - and even though we "only" got first runner up at the festival (Trish was honored with best original script) overall, it was one of the best weekends of my life to date.  I think of it with warm, fond memories of Sheila's beach colored walls and her boyfriend, Steve's vegan whole foods and huge bag of oatmeal and a beginning on my journey toward holistic health.

Also during January I started a holistic health blog and made a concerted effort to take better care of myself and my family through what I bring into the house and put on the table.

In February I trained hard for the Shamrock 5K and the Cincinnati Flying Pig 5K (held in May).  I researched unschooling options and was introduced to John Holt after a book exchange at a friend's house.  I made an effort to parent our children with more respect.

I ran the Shamrock 5K and had a great time doing it.  I wrote this blog.

We started living with intention as a family.  We took hikes. 

In May Michael ran his first marathon and Jonah ran a mile and Maeryn ran 25 yards and I ran another 5K at the Flying Pig. 

I dreamed about unschooling and about hiking the AT.  I directed W;t and spent hours at the theatre and thinking about the play.  There were a lot of frustrations, but the end product was a good one.

I visited Denver and had my first trip west of the Mississippi.  Played at a waterpark in Missouri.  Saw the Kansas sky.

Michael and I took our first backpacking excursion.  It was fantastic. 

I took my children to the beach and the library and hiking in the woods and played with them all summer long and never wanted it to end.

In August, Jonah went back to school and I was sad.  Happy that I liked the school and the people in general and that he had friends, but sad because I missed the joy he brought to our family life during the day.  Sad because I saw more progress in him when he WASN'T at school.  Sad because homeschooling (unschooling) was heavy on my heart.

In October we pulled Jonah out of school.  I taught an acting class throughout the fall semester.  Jonah joined the swim team.  I took a Mommy and Me art class with Maeryn that we both loved and we found out the teacher is an unschool mom.  I made friends I have never met in person who inspire me daily. 

I explored the idea of intentional community and New Monasticism and Common Prayer and felt a growing sense that Unity was something God wanted me to focus on.  I met new artists in the area and made new friends.  I learned to cook new foods.  I spent a lot of time on the computer - blogging and keeping in touch with those who are far away.

I purged old crap from my soul.

I went through studies that changed my outlook and gave me freedom - I learned that freedom and love go hand in hand. 

I learned more about my husband and how to love him better and more completely - I learned what unconditional love means. 


What are you grateful for?

I am grateful for a supportive network of friends that I sometimes forget are there, but who always are.

I am grateful for the myriad of resources about unschooling, the people who are open-minded and willing to help me, the reactions of most of our family and friends positively.

I am grateful that Michael's album is finished and he can think about gigging and more music and PR and that I get to be a part of that.

I am grateful that he chose me to sing with him and play piano on a song on his album.

I am grateful that God is so GOOD and that He moved me so much this year.

I am grateful for the women in my life.  For my girl friends.  For letting myself have them. 

For books and paper to write on and my children and what they teach me on a daily basis.

Getting to meet Michael's aunts in Baltimore.

I am grateful for a piano in my house and for the courage to step in new directions and for my Church community and for places for my kids to go and Jonah's swim team and my blogs and music and all of the experiences of this wonderful year past.


What were your sorrows and disappointments?  How did they change you?

I had a lot of sorrow surrounding some goings on a the theatre where I spend most of my time and where I serve as secretary of the board.  A lot of brokenness.  This coincided with a lot of personal conflict for me.  I learned that avoiding conflict is not always the right answer.  In fact, it often causes more harm.

I was disappointed that the Intentional Community endeavor never really worked out, even though it's still close to my heart.  I learned that some things are for later, and some for never - and you never know which is which.

I felt guilty and sad about our situation with Jonah's schooling - I felt helpless many times and lost.  I learned that as a parent, it is okay to trust my instincts - they are often right.

I feel like much of my time is spent on things that will never be successful, in the worldly sense.  That I may never make anything of my writing or many of my other endeavors.  I am afraid to follow-through.  This is a lesson I'm still learning.  I am often afraid of what I could be - I don't want to build myself up, I don't like to put myself out there - I wish other people would do it for me, or tell me I'm not good enough - or push me if they believe I am.

I am disappointed that we couldn't afford to go on our planned vacation this year, but grateful that we did a fun stay-cation instead.  I learned that plans aren't always the best things - that it's okay when they fall through, and living in the moment is so important to keeping joy in my life. 

Sad for so many people in my life who experienced intense loss.  I was reminded that life is short.  We are but a breath away from dying at all times - no matter our ages.  That every ability we have is a blessing - including walking, talking, interacting...  everything.


What books, films, etc., moved you?

The Chronological Study Bible (NKJV)

A Walk in the Woods:  Rediscovering America on the Appalachian Trail by Bill Bryson

Learning all the Time by John Holt

A Question of Balance:  Artists and Writers on Motherhood  edited by Judith Pierce Rosenberg

Schools for Conversion:  12 Marks of the New Monasticism edited by Rutba House

Common Prayer:  A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals by Shane Claiborne, Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove, and Enuma Okoro

The Search for Significance by Robert McGee

The Gift of Nothing by Patrick McDonnell

The Future of Food (film)

No Impact Man (film)


THE PRESENT:

How are you different from the way you were a year ago?

I am much more in tune with my body.  I have a renewed relationship with Christ and a new perspective on Love and Christianity.  I have a greater respect for my husband and children.  I have learned so much about love and am so full of love and I am so eager to learn more about this Gift.

I feel better about myself and my situation in life.

I have embraced being at home with my children.

I understand myself more as an artist, even though I haven't created as much art as in some years.

I am not able to exercise as much as I was last year at this time - I am saddened by this.

I have learned an immense amount about holistic healing and herbal remedies and look forward to learning more. 

I am living in unschooling rather than just reading about it.

I can knit!

I have fallen in love with so many of the people around me in ways I never thought possible.

I have freedom in Christ and understand what that means (at least a little more than before).


How can you integrate the lessons of the past year?

It's all about love.  Love and freedom.  2010 was the year of Freedom and Love.

Is there anything you're trying to force into existence right now?  If so, what would happen if you stopped?

Maybe the paying off of debts and the moving into the RV.  If I stopped, I think financially it would be a stupid move.  Paying off debts is a good goal for this family.  The RV - to stop striving is sometimes a good thing.  I think that the RV will fall into place when God is ready for it to get there.  I want people to read my writing.  I need to stop worrying about that and write just for myself again.  It's a really hard balance.  When you write with a bared soul and someone criticizes you, there is a lot more pain that if you write with a mask.


THE FUTURE:

What do you want to focus on in the coming year?

Art.  Unity in the Church.  My children and loving them fully.  Worrying less.  Cultivating and maintaining friendships.  Getting outside/being in touch with nature.  Organic foods.  Gardening.   Prayer.  Letting go.  Breathing fully.  Really SEEING things around me.  Studying the sky.  Learning Greek.  Memorizing scripture.  Remember what's important.  Cutting out things that just aren't.  My writing - quality writing - maybe working on poetry again - good poetry.  Reading more books that are interesting and wonderful.  Going with the flow.  Listening to God.  Drinking in this life. 

If you could sum up your desires and longings in one simple statement spoken from the highest aspect of yourself, what would it be?

(Holy crap.  That's not hard or anything.  Well gee.)

I want to create, nurture, and propagate peace and beauty through LOVE.

-Peace-

Reasons for Dreads.

So I've determined that I'm going to try dreads after I grow out my current "do".

I LOVE my hair the way it is - it's the BEST hair cut EVER, but I've been thinking it's time for a change and dreads have been calling me.

I got the idea because I read several blogs written my women with dreads and I saw a guy with gorgeous dreads at Giant one day and at The Good Earth the next (we get our meat from Giant because they have Laura's for the kids and we just LOVE The Good Earth) and I have thus been inspired.

But that's not all.

The one thing about this haircut that makes me nuts is that I have to cut it at least once every three weeks.  I LOVE the low maintenance - jump up in the morning and go and the "don't have to worry about it" for hiking and cycling and running - but that cutting thing just GETS to me.

With dreads, the cutting would be definitely minimized/eliminated - at least for a good long time - which would free me up to do things like hike the entire Appalachian Trail with my family.  This is on our bucket list to accomplish in about four years, when Maeryn is six and Jonah is ten.  Dreads would be PERFECT for this trip - low maintenance, don't have to cut them, out of my face - etc. and if I start growing them during Lent (the plan), then in four years they should be locked and awesome... at least that's the hope.  Of course I might despise them, in which case I'll just shave my head again.  No worries.

I'm not so excited about the in between hair...  but I'll figure it out.

There are a few things that worry me, however...  I'm hoping some of you readers who have more experience with dreads than I can answer these questions:

1.  Can I fit them under a swim cap so I can do laps?  Any advice on swimming in general - or things to note?

2.  Can I still wear a bike helmet?  (I know that sounds ridiculous, but I really want to know!)  Again - any notes from cyclists who have been there or know someone who has?

3.  Are they going to be super heavy and cause neck pain?  This was one reason I shaved my head in the first place, but once my hair was gone the neck pain remained, and only yoga sorted it out - but I'd not like to tread that road again.

4.  Will someone teach me how to do cool things with them?

5.  Can you cut them and have them still maintain their shape?

OH - and in other news:

Lost his first tooth last night!  He pulled it himself!

Manic Monday and The Gift of Nothing.

After last week, which I admit was a week of blah and laziness and general boycotting of going out of the house, this week has started off on the RIGHT foot.

This morning the kids and I headed out to the big evil box giant (read: Walmart) and picked up some necessary items:  hats, gloves, (did I mention it was SNOWING this morning?!), socks and underwear (for me - highly necessary items, btw), bananas, wrapping paper, Christmas cards, and sliced Swiss cheese.  (This was after an incident involving Maeryn and blue nail polish from my bedside table drawer and me in the shower and Jonah saying: "MOMMA!  Maeryn's doing something REALLY bad!"...  and a bath for Maeryn...and the use of ungodly amounts of nail polish remover on more things than you could imagine...).  We returned home with our spoils and ate lunch, then read about fifteen library books and then headed out to the library for more!

Jonah found these books he likes where one page if for the parent to read and the opposite page is for the child.  I admit that they are pretty cool.  Maeryn played on the toddler computers the entire time.  Jonah found about twenty more books he wanted and Maeryn had me pick books for her.  I got a GREAT book about the potty, if I do say so myself:

If you've ever really wanted to know what it would be like if barnyard animals used potty seats, THIS is the book for you!  (Really, I highly recommend it...)

And this sweet book about Rosa Parks:

I loved the illustrations and the rhythm of the words is truly inspiring.

We also got this:

BY FAR my favorite find of the day.

GREATEST book EVER.

I don't think this is an exaggeration.

It had so much to do with everything that I've been thinking about when it comes to materialism and Christmas and some struggles I've been having personally with the way I think my kids view the holidays and times when they see their grandparents - this book says it ALL.

I don't think I've mentioned it much here, if at all, but this whole...Christmas is about GETTING mentality that is how this season seems to function has been really getting to me.  I would say it's been getting to me since early high school, and with the Advent Conspiracy at church this year and my own thoughts about it last year (yeah, I wanted to go to Walmart and hold signs that said Christmas is about more than presents but none of my friends would go with me.  I even offered free hot chocolate!) - things have sort of come to a head.  I hate that when I ask Jonah what he's excited about when it comes to Christmas he says "presents!"  I know that many of you will say - he's a kid, that's normal.

Okay, fine, it's normal - but is it RIGHT?  Is it what we really WANT this holiday to be about???

Our pastor yesterday told us about a court case where someone tried to sue the government about letting people off of work for Christmas because it violates the separation of church and state.  What's sad is that the state WON the case because they were able to prove that Christmas, as celebrated in America, is not a religious holiday!  Pretty sorry on the Church, when you think about it, huh?

And things like that can't change at a larger level until they change in my own home.  Period.

And here's the thing - it's my fault.  It's the fault of Michael and me.  WE are the ones who get so busy over the holidays we can't do anything fun with our kids BESIDES opening presents on Christmas morning.  We're in meetings and plays and singing at church and working on album releases and not establishing any fun traditions with our kids EXCEPT the opening of presents.  There must be a change, ladies and gentlemen.  And there WILL be a change.  OH - change is COMING.

This week - we're still overscheduled.  It's insane.  Michael is currently at a policy meeting for the theatre, then I have a rehearsal tomorrow night and Wednesday night for the play I'm in at the very same theatre.  Thursday I am meeting with our pastor about the church's drama team.  Then Friday, (praise the LORD!) Michael and I have a date night (our first in MONTHS) - hopefully we can find a babysitter.  Saturday my acting class (that I teach) has their final performance and Michael has ANOTHER policy meeting in the afternoon.  BUT Saturday evening we MIGHT make fudge for friends and we MIGHT go to DC to see the National Christmas tree - which could be a REALLY cool traditions - AND...MIGHT we go ice skating in the sculpture garden?  Ah - we JUST might.

And the week following?  Michael and I are going to sit down and figure out some great new traditions to establish and some new Christmas fun to try - things that have NOTHING to do with getting presents.

Any suggestions?  We'd love to hear what you and yours do to make the season merry - things that DON'T include gift exchange.

PS - If you haven't read The Gift of Nothing, you really should.  In fact, I think that you should do it as soon as humanly possible.  Run out and get a copy right now! Then comment and tell me what you think!

You can purchase your very own copy of The Gift of Nothing at the bottom of this page.

Inspired on Monday.

I figured it was about time to write another blog about what's keeping me going around here.

Tara at The Organic Sister has Inspiration Monday every Monday, and sometimes I like to contribute to her links when it comes to other blogs posting inspiring material.  So here I am.

Things that inspire TODAY:

1.  The gorgeous frost and the glittering mailbox.

2.  The hubby, who was up at 5 AM this morning and took off work today to work on his "to-do" list

3. This and all that the new monastics stand for.

4.  My cup of green tea.

5.  The public library.

6.  Putting warm water in the bird bath.

7.  The way Mondays give me a new lease on life.  A fresh start.  A new beginning.

8.  This mash-up.

Tuesday is my favorite day.

I'm not sure why, but on Tuesdays I just tend to have more energy, more grip on myself and reality, more grounding, more time - everything about Tuesdays is just better than other days.  It is, indeed, my most favorite day of the week.

Today was sort of a lazy day around here for the kids.  They watched DVDs from the library and colored endless pictures and built with blocks and hung out on the couch.  We did take some time out of the day to do some other things:

Jonah has been wanting to make home-made lemonade for some time now, and this week we were able to get lemons at the grocery store to do just that.

We squeezed them ourselves into measuring cups and strained the seeds.  Jonah was really interested in measuring, squeezing, pouring, and then adding sugar and water to obtain the perfect taste.

He likes it pretty strong and sour!

Jonah has also been practicing a lot of two-wheel bike riding the last two days.  It took me forEVER to convince the kids to get out of their PJs and come outside with me on this beautiful fall day, but we finally managed.

He's getting pretty good.

And I was able to pursue a little of my own passion:

Self-Portrait in Sidewalk Chalk